SFX: Fife and drum music in background throughout.
STAN: Hey citizens of this fair city!
ANN: Set aside those glazed donuts and open those glazed eyes!
TRAN: We're having an election!
DAN: And we can't let it happen without you!
JAN: Be informed!
NAN: Be forewarned!
STAN: Arm yourself with the facts!
ANN: It's your constitutional right!
TRAN: It's your moral duty!
DAN: It's the time when the trodden on get to tread!
JAN: The hunted get to hunt!
NAN: The used get to use!
STAN: It's the ultimate exercise of the body politic!
ANN: The flexing of democracy's mighty muscle!
TRAN: The pumping of fresh blood into hardened arteries!
DAN: One cell, one vote!
JAN: Use it or lose it!
NAN: Vote! Vote! Vote!
SFX: Quick cut to studio ambiance.
ANNOUNCER 1: Paid for with your tax dollars.
ANNOUNCER 2: The voters speak about Harvey Dunkelman.
SFX: Montage of voices over urban street ambiance.
MORRIS: Oh, yeah. Harvey Dunkelman. He's been in this town forever.
BORIS: My dad went to school with him.
DORIS: Harvey Dunkelman always kisses my baby. He's got my vote.
HORACE: The picture of fiscal responsibility. And I like his tie.
CHLORIS: Mr. Dunkelman is a man of the people.
NORRIS: He knows his stuff. You'd be crazy not to vote for Harvey.
SFX: Quick cut to studio ambiance.
DUNKELMAN: My name is Harvey Dunkelman, and I'm running for the office of Comptroller. I hope I can count on your vote.
ANNOUNCER 3: Paid for by Dupes for Dunkelman.
SFX: Wind, surf, creaking ropes, occasional gull cries, flapping wings.
ANNOUNCER 4: Some one once said - was it Herman Melville or was it Joseph Conrad? - that a ship without a decent helmsman is like one with an anchor chain about to break or a topsail ready to shred in the next stiff west wind. And you know, it's not so very different from the political seascape in this town. The office of Comptroller is a lot like the job of helmsman, and Marcel Festoon is clearly the best man for the job. He knows the ship, he knows the waters, and most importantly, he knows himself. There's a fiscal storm coming, one that'll sweep in and hit us broadside. And when that happens, well, I think Festoon is the man we want at the helm.
SFX: Quick cut to studio ambiance.
ANNOUNCER 1: Paid for by the Dilletant Ferrymen for Festoon.
SFX: Wind, surf, creaking ropes, occasional gull cries, flapping wings.
ANNOUNCER 5: Some one once said - was it Pee Wee Herman or was it Joseph Stalin -
MORRIS: Job overboard!
ANNOUNCER 5: - that campaign promises are like tryin' to plug up a leaky boat with chewin' gum.
BORIS: Where's our safety net?
ANNOUNCER 5: Because after all that jawin', you still end up havin' ta swim for yer life.
DORIS: Lifeboats are gone! Somebody sold 'em!
ANNOUNCER 5: Now, this Marcel Festoon says he'll keep us on an even keel?
HORACE: I'm so... sick! When will this crazy ride end? (begin retching under)
ANNOUNCER 5: And this Marcel Festoon says he'll steer us clear of fiscal storms?
CHLORIS: My God! Look out for that rock!
SFX: Massive crashing and splintering, people screaming.
ANNOUNCER 5: Not even the most green at the gills swabbie would want Marcel Festoon aboard, either as helmsman or Comptroller.
NORRIS: We're going down!
SFX: Quick cut to studio ambiance.
ANNOUNCER 3: Paid for by the Nattering Old Salts for Dunkelman.
ANNOUNCER 6: The voters speak about Harvey Dunkelman.
SFX: Montage of voices over urban street ambiance.
STAN: That ossified old party hack?
ANN: Harvey Dunkelman is a living, breathing symbol of everything bad about politics.
TRAN: We came here looking for a progressive business climate, not Dunkelman.
DAN: I mean, just watch his hands while he talks. The man is clueless.
JAN: Electing Harvey for Comptroller would be like Joseph Hazelwood on the Love Boat.
NAN: (laughing) Harvey Dunkelman? I don't think so!
SFX: Quick cut to studio ambiance.
ANNOUNCER 6: Think before you vote.
ANNOUNCER 1: Paid for by the Slackers' Coalition for Festoon.
SFX: Urban street ambiance, steady footsteps under.
ANNOUNCER 2: Recent media ads by Marcel Festoon have portrayed his rival candidate Harvey Dunkelman in an unflattering and unfair light.
SFX: Door with bells creaking open, street sounds fading quickly, cut off by door slam.
ANNOUNCER 2: We've been talking with upstanding local merchants such as Bruja Maria on Valencia. Bruja Maria, what do you really think of Harvey Dunkelman?
BRUJA MARIA: (badly edited) He's... good food for... this city. I make... no beans... about it.
ANNOUNCER 2: As a small business, no doubt you're concerned about corporate waste, our eroding tax base, and shrinking funds for public safety.
BRUJA MARIA: (badly edited) With... these tissues... I don't know who this Harvey Dunkelman... can't win.
ANNOUNCER 2: So you don't think that Marcel Festoon is even a real choice?
BRUJA MARIA: (badly edited) Dunkelman... is... everything on the menu. There's no other choices.
SFX: Quick cut to studio ambiance.
ANNOUNCER 3: Paid for by the Committee of Small Business Persons for Dunkelman.
SFX: Auditorium ambiance.
GOULD: This is Sylvia Gould, and with me this afternoon is Marcel Festoon, candidate for Comptroller. Mr. Festoon, let's talk about negative campaigning.
FESTOON: No, Ms. Gould, let's not.
SFX: Audience murmurs with surprise.
GOULD: Oh? And why not?
FESTOON: Because negative campaigning is something that my opponent has chosen for his primary tactic.
GOULD: You mean Harvey Dunkelman?
FESTOON: Please, Ms. Gould, don't even mention his name. I'd rather discuss the issues.
SFX: Audience applauds briefly.
GOULD: Have it your way, Mr. Festoon. What are the issues in the Comptroller's race?
FESTOON: Honesty. Ability. Leadership. Stick-to-it-iveness. (voice gets louder, reverb added) Sense of direction. Fair play. Acceptance of responsibility. And all the while being able to smile for the cameras, sign autographs, and phrase complex fiscal problems simply enough to be understood by a junior high school civics class. Do I have to spell it out for you? I'm clearly the best man for the job!
SFX: Audience goes wild. Quick cut to studio ambiance.
ANNOUNCER 1: Paid for by the Council on Urban Narcissism.
SFX: Auditorium ambiance.
GOULD: This is Sylvia Gould, and with me this afternoon is Harvey Dunkelman, candidate for Comptroller. Mr. Dunkelman, let's talk about negative campaigning.
DUNKELMAN: Ah... (whispering) Get him to hold the cards higher. I can't see them.
GOULD: (whispering) Sorry!
DUNKELMAN: No, Ms. Gould, let's not. Talk about negative campaigning, I mean.
SFX: Audience murmurs with surprise.
GOULD: Oh? And why not?
DUNKELMAN: Because that's all my opponent Marcel Festoon seems to do. I make a statement and he laughs at it. I make a gesture and he ridicules it. I've already requested the resignation of one of my own staff who thought that Mr. Festoon's tactic was the way to get things done.
SFX: Audience applauds briefly.
GOULD: And what is the way to get things done, Mr. Dunkelman?
DUNKELMAN: No pomp, no fanfares, no smoke and mirrors. You just... ah (whispering) Now he's got his thumb in the way.
GOULD: (whispering fiercely) Morris!
MORRIS: (off mike) Oops! Sorry!
DUNKELMAN: You just go out there and do them. The things, I mean. (voice gets louder, reverb added) Spontaneously and off the cuff, from the hip, from the heart.
SFX: Audience goes wild. Quick cut to studio ambiance.
ANNOUNCER 3: Paid for by the Committee on Fostering Spontaneity.
SFX: Urban street ambiance, steady footsteps under.
ANNOUNCER 6: Harvey Dunkelman recently took campaign advertising to a new low by manipulating sound bites from a prominent local restaurateur who obviously does not support him in his bid for Comptroller.
SFX: Door with bells creaking open, street sounds fading quickly, cut off by door slam.
ANNOUNCER 6: We're here at Bruja Maria's on Valencia -
BRUJA MARIA: (off mike) Hey, you get that microphone out of here! Last time somebody brought one in -
ANNOUNCER 6: It's okay, Bruja Maria, it's okay. We're from the Festoon campaign.
BRUJA MARIA: (off mike) I don't care which campaign, go away. Some guy for Dunkelman cut up my words and glued them back together all funny.
ANNOUNCER 6: What a shoddy trick. From the Dunkelman campaign, you say?
BRUJA MARIA: (moving on) Yeah, he had me talking stupid on the radio. My cousin heard it halfway across the state. Get out of my restaurant.
ANNOUNCER 6: So you see, Harvey Dunkelman, now we've exposed you -
BRUJA MARIA: (shouting) Get lost or you get the broom!
ANNOUNCER 6: - for the cheap dirty trickster that you really are -
BRUJA MARIA: (shouting) Out of here before I break that thing!
ANNOUNCER 6: - and do you honestly think the voters will -
SFX: Crunching sound of mike taking a hit. Quick cut to studio ambiance.
ANNOUNCER 1: Paid for by the Irate Local Nine Oh Nine for Festoon.
SFX: Studio ambiance.
DUNKELMAN: This is Harvey Dunkelman, and I'm running for the office of Comptroller. I would just like to say that my opponent Marcel Festoon has succeeded in disgracing the political process -
SFX: Door banging open off mike.
FESTOON: (moving on) I've disgraced the political process?
DUNKELMAN: Marcel! Hey, hey, I'm paying for this airtime.
FESTOON: Oh, no you're not, Harvey. This spot's a freebie from the Fair Play for the Comptroller's Race Committee.
DUNKELMAN: No one told me.
FESTOON: But you've told the voters plenty, Harvey, by your shallow, sleazy commercials, and your -
DUNKELMAN: Friends, friends, this is the kind of rude business and, and cheap shots you can expect if you elect Festoon for Comptroller -
FESTOON: Give it up, Dunkelman! You couldn't comptrol your way out of a wet paper bag -
DUNKELMAN: Oh yeah? Comptrol this, pal!
SFX: Fight sounds, quickly fading under.
ANNOUNCER 1: Paid for by the Fair Play for -
ANNOUNCER 3: Hey you! We underwrote this one!
ANNOUNCER 1: Get out of my booth.
SFX: New layer of fight sounds. All fade.