Sunday June 20, 1999
By Kim Vo
STAFF WRITERWhile Studying German, Avaren Ipsen stumbled across a typical language exercise. What do you do in your free time? the textbook asked. What are your hobbies?
"I was almost in tears," Ipsen said. "I don't have any hobbies. Going to school is my hobby. I'm getting a Ph.D. in my free time."
Leisure is more foreign than German to Ipsen, a wife and Berkeley mother of two who is staggering under the pressures of work, child-rearing and chores. She's not alone in this, of course. Many parents are facing what President Clinton calls the "family time crunch."
Every day, parents shoehorn work, children, chores and sleep into a 24-hour window -- and it's getting harder to find extra space. Married moms spend almost twice as much time working outside the home now than three decades ago; Americans work 135 hours more per year than they did in 1989; and dads spend about 2.3 hours every workday with their children -- 30 minutes more than they did in 1977. The time mothers spend with their children remained steady.
The Council of Economic Advisers estimates that families now have 22 fewer hours each week to spend outside the job than they did in 1969.
And because the days haven't grown any longer to accommodate the busier schedules, parents have been forced to shove aside other activities to make room.
"They're giving up sleep. Hobbies is probably another thing, and political scientists argue that parents are withdrawing from the community, participation in the PTA, Kiwanis, local democratic society," said David Maume, director of the Kunz Center for the Study of Work & Family at the University of Cincinnati.
'Lack of time' a big challenge
A Families & Work Institute study reports that 70 percent of parents don't think they spend enough time with their children. And 56 percent of couples cited "lack of time" as the biggest challenge in their marriage, according to Catalyst, a research group focusing on professional women.The juggling game is stressful. Though reports graph tidy slots of time that parents spend working, running errands or making dinner, the reality is that people multi-task, said Cathleen Zick, a family studies professor at the University of Utah.
"What these studies mask is how chopped up the day might be," Zick said. "And what does it do to the stress to have a doctor's appointment run half an hour late, and what that does to picking up a child from school, taking them to soccer practice and how this affects dinner," Zick said.
Last month, President Clinton expanded the Family and Medical Leave Act to grant federal employees paid leave to care for gravely ill relatives. Clinton also directed states to underwrite family leave for parents giving birth to or adopting a new child.
Though helpful, those are once-in-a-while events. Families struggle every day with scheduling stress.
There's no magic trick to create more minutes, but Michael Coffaro of San Carlos finds perspective bolsters serenity. Life has certainly changed since he and his wife adopted their first son four years ago.
"You notice you have no free time. You wish you had that time to read a book," Coffaro said. "It doesn't bother me though. We love to be with them."
Chores suffer somewhat, he said.
"It's like: Yeah, yeah, we should do that and pick that up, but I'd rather play with the kids. It's more fun," he said. "The dirty dishes, they'll eventually get done."
Who does them?
Coffaro sheepishly admitted his wife often washes the dishes.
Dishes done at night
Joy Stewart, a single mom in Antioch, does the dishes at night after sneaking out of the bedroom once her 2-year-old son falls asleep. Keeping to a tight schedule makes life manageable.Every morning she wakes at 5:45 a.m., readies herself and her two children. They leave the house by 7:15; she drops the the kids off at day care, drives to work and returns to pick them up at 6:30 p.m.
Then dinner -- either leftover barbecue cooked over the weekend, macaroni and cheese, frozen vegetables or TV dinners -- and baths for the kids. Everyone's in bed by 8 p.m. While the kids snooze, Stewart creeps out of the bedroom and begins cleaning the house.
"Oh my God, I'm exhausted. There's not even enough time to visit with them when I get home," Stewart said.
The cramped schedule isn't as hard
as what happens when she talks with the day care workers about her children.
"My day care providers know more about my children than I do. They're telling me things, and I say, 'I really didn't know that,'" she said. They'll tell her new words her son said, how they got him potty trained or learned that he likes garbage trucks but fears the loud chug and grind the trucks make as they roll down the street lifting trash cans.
Christian Stuetz of El Cerrito sneaks out at night, too. The stay-at-home dad slips into his car and heads to a nearby coffeeshop with a newspaper to keep him company.
"If I sit at home, I'd fall asleep. I could probably go to bed at 9 o'clock, but then I'd have no time for myself. So I have this little mini-vacation for myself," said Stuetz, a father of a 4- and 2-year old. His wife, a banking senior vice president, stays home with the sleeping children. Stuetz forgoes the nightly coffee trip when she attends out-of-town business meetings.
Spare time scarce
Scott Haggerty, an Alameda County supervisor who lives in Livermore, squeezes in time with his three children whenever possible. Spare time can be scarce: Haggerty and his wife awaken at 5:30 a.m., get ready for work and make the children's school lunches. In summer, when there's no school, mom and dad sleep in until a luxurious 6:30 a.m."That extra hour makes a difference," Haggerty said.
With school out on a recent Friday, his daughters tagged along to meetings until Dad was ready to go horseback riding.
Driving to the horse trails, Haggerty kept his radio off so he could chat with his girls.
"You have to find these spots, whether they're Monday through Friday or on the weekend. Say: 'Stop the world. I'm spending time with my children,'" Haggerty said.
Parents must focus on the big picture, says Pamela Culp, co-founder of Synazure, a Redwood City consulting firm that helps parents manage their lives. She encourages people to prioritize what they want to accomplish and let go of the rest.
"People get pulled by having young children, wanting to have a career and do a lot of community work. If you value your parenting and your career, then maybe now is not the time to do community work. Maybe it's OK to have a messy house," Culp said. When it is affordable, she encourages parents to hire outside help to clean the bathroom, walk the dog and perform all the other mundane tasks that clutter the day.
It's hard for people to accept that they've raised the bar too high, Culp said.
People now expect to "raise children, manage a household and have a very productive full-time career. We're expecting inhuman things of ourselves, and that's something we need to come to grips with," she said.
"It's perfectly OK to give up a piece of that, then come back and take a piece later," she said. "You can have it all, just not all at once."