Fart Story

by Inga

Sometimes things happen to me, and I wonder, "Why Me?" Last week when
things happened to me, I didn't wonder that at all. I am never surprised
anymore.

It all started with my deadline. I worked for hours a day. Several 16
hour days, and others that felt as long. I was exhausted. We had to
prepare documents for a county - required Review for Special Use Permit.
All week the clients plagued me with questions, etc. I really didn't feel
as if I owned my body that week. My clients did.

You know when you start getting tired, how everything becomes funny?
Well, the fourth day into the week I started getting giddy. Things that I
could normally ignore became funny. I would try to hide my smirks, then
smiles, then giggles, then outright laughter. This would become awkward,
because I am supposed to act professional and represent myself and my
company in a demure, subdued, reliable, professional manner. Right?

The owner's representative called me several times every day. He is
normally very helpful to us, and takes on many tasks that I would
otherwise have to do, had our client not hired him to represent them. He
can also be someone I want to avoid when I am trying to crank on a
deadline. Phone conversations with him always seem to generate more work
for me. Well, around the time that I started to feel giddy, he called.
This call started my poop week from Hell. I was constantly haunted by
poop. I felt like I was on drugs. No one else seemed to notice the
things I did, or no one else at work had the things happen to them. The
owner's rep called me, and we were talking about a serious consequence
that could affect my client. It involved more work to fit into the
Special Use packet for the county. He started mumbling something that
seemed important.

"Excuse me?", I asked. He mumbled again, paused, and then what sounded
like a grunt and a huge fart came through on the telephone. It seemed to
be followed by a sigh, and he cleared his throat (as if to cover the sound
of the gargantuan fart...a little late, don't you think?)

I couldn't seem to help myself..."Excuse Me?" I rather loudly asked. I
was smiling this huge smile. I couldn't believe he farted so loud. He
started to stutter and utter something in what seemed to be embarrassment,
and I started to giggle. Oh God. I couldn't laugh. This man is the most
serious and conservative person. And then I full out lost it. I started
laughing, guffawing, and then shrieking with laughter. The tears came.
The breath left. I couldn't control anything. Everyone at work started
to crowd around my cubicle and ask what was wrong. I couldn't even hold
my body upright. I tried to talk on the phone, couldn't.

Then....as if by magic...during the time that I couldn't breath and no
sound came out of my mouth...I farted a huge, long, airy loud fart. I,
still hunched over, twisted to look at my co-workers to see their
reactions. As I twisted to look, five uncontrollable small high-pitched
farts followed. I was still mid breath from my initial laughter, now I
couldn't find any breath for the life of me.

The next noise I heard was a loud "Excuse Me?" over the phone. The
owner's rep was still on the phone. And he heard my fart. I lost it
again. I started laughing so hard that I had to throw down the phone and
fall to the floor. As my knees hit the floor a small "PiP" left my butt.
I was crying so hard with laughter. Others from work started laughing.
Some dropped to their knees and cryed with me. Others shook so hard and
couldn't breath. In the next 2 minutes, the entire 12 of us were all on
the floor laughing. Sam started snorting when he would take a breath in.
Lynn had a high-pitched shrill laugh. Others would add a fart here and
there. It was horrible. There seemed to be nothing to stop the madness.

We lay there for about 1/2 hour laughing, and taking turns farting. When
we were finally able to stop, in hiccouphing gasps, we were too weak to
walk. Some of the people literally crawled to their work spaces. I just
lay there huddled under my desk. It grew quieter and quieter in the
building, and we could soon hear all of the normal office noises.

That's when I heard it, "Ingrid, Ingrid, are you still there?"

I weakly reached for the dangling telephone receiver, and softly said, "Hello?"

It was him. He was still there.

We finished our long telephone call quietly and professionally. It lasted
another 1/2 hour. The office had gas fumes wafting between all of the
cubicles. That was the only proof of what had happened. Everyone was
busily working when I hung up the phone. No one ever mentioned what
happened. Only once, soon after the session, someone came up to me and
said queitly - wow, that was like a big orge.

The only problem that I still have to deal with, is that every time, since
that phone call, that I have seen the owner's rep, I burst out into
laughter. Sometimes it is so bad, that I have to leave the meeting.
Sometimes I don't even return to it. No one ever has said anything to me
about it. The owner's rep just turns red.

The last time I had to leave the meeting because I was laughing so hard, I
tooted as I walked through the door. I laughed harder.

I think I am over it now. I was just giddy from so much hard work. I
feel so much closer to my co workers now. We are truly like family now.



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