Toby's Poop Musings
By Toby
Constipation
Even though the participants of the Poopie page are a very elite group, of which I am honored to finally, after desiring for many years to be part, constipation is an even more elite group of which I am pleased (and many times not so pleased depending on how long it's been) to be a part. Maybe it's because of my early memories of excrement being called "dirties" that I have, for many years of my life, had to deal with constipation. I can go for 3, sometimes 4 days without going to the bathroom, and boy, by the fourth day, I am extremely uncomfortable and not at all happy. The way it happens is this. If I don't go to the bathroom one day, I think "uh oh", maybe I need to eat a bran muffin. Usually, if I eat a bran muffin the next day I am fine. But, sometimes I don't eat a bran muffin. You know, the stuff about bran muffins is, mostly they taste like shit. It's hard to find a palatable bran muffin. Starfuckers has pretty good ones, but other than that, good ones are hard to find. Anyway, then the next day comes and I think about going to the bathroom all morning. I worry and fret. If I don't go, I think "uh oh", what's going to happen now? Is it just going to get all stopped up in there and not come out? If I haven't gone by the third day, then it's trouble. You know, I think it gets so hard in there that it can't come out without help. So, round about the 3rd day I start thinking about Metamucil. Aint half bad when mixed with orange juice. So, then I drink 3 glasses full of Metamucil in orange juice. The next day after a couple of hours, I get the "sensation" big, I mean big time, if you know what I'm saying. I try to find a toilet that has that super flusher, not the kind in a person's house because I have a lot to deposit. This is really not true. I can go in a regular toilet, but I have stopped them up on occasion. So, after that, it really gets me back to "normal", i.e., going every day.
Wiping problems
How does one wipe oneself without leaving tire tracks in ones undies? This can be a difficult problem. I wipe and wipe and wipe and then I put a little spit on the tissue and wipe again. This usually works fine. I just walk around with spit on my butt instead of shit. Spit or shit. Which do you prefer?
Sometimes when I am wiping myself I have this horrible experience where I poke a hole in the toilet paper with my finger and then I wipe my butt with my finger. Gross city! What do you do about that? Perhaps I don't use enough paper. I usually use about 10 squares. I painstakingly count them each time. I use such a small amount because I'm an ecologist, trying to save the world for our children. Then, I have to wash my hands very carefully after making sure that I don't touch any part of my body or clothes.
Gas Bubble
You know how you sometimes get a gas bubble that gets stuck in your
crotch. I guess it comes from the poppie part and makes its way into
your crotch. Then, because gas rises, and there's no where for it to
go, it just kind of stays there in your crotch and the only way you
can get it out is if you stand on your head. But, I'm at work right
now and I don't think I can do that. Eventually, it does seem to get
out, but oh, the smell! No, not really. But, this is a problem that
should probably be dealt with in some manner. I suspect men don't
have this problem, which is probably why it has never been dealt
with, because you know, men rule the world.
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