By Inga
I can't spend a long time writing this, but I thought I would share this
small bit of information with you.
Yesterday I was munching on a tofu pup and I was jolted into my past momentarily. you know that I spent quite a bit of time in Germany in my childhood, though I never really lived there. You also know that mine is the family of poop secrets.
I remember in the small village that my grandparents lived in, that no one ever mentioned the word poop, or any word that referred to it. It was a rather conservative and rigid small town in that sense. It was also a very clean town. Because of this, I must admit that I was surprised to learn what I will soon share with you.
This was in my meat-eating days, mind you. There was a special wiener that was the town favorite. Every one came from towns far and wide to eat this wiener. It was served with sauerkraut, spatzle, klops, kartoffeln, brot, eier, and more. Of course, every one always drank beer when eating this particular type of wiener. The kids even drank a beer concoction called Rattlemaas. It was half "lemonade" (which is actually carbonated in Germany) and half beer.
Any way, this wiener was called 'Wienerfreude' which loosely translates as 'Wienerfun'. Oh happy was the day when my dear sweet Oma would send me to the butcher to get 12 wienerfreudes for the noontime meal. I loved those meals, as did the rest of my family. The butcher had strings and strings hanging from the ceiling and they would sell like crazy. There were actually several butchers in the small town, and they sold like amounts of the wienerfreuden (plural). Like I said, people came from miles around not only for the beauty of the mountains (for Germans love their nature) but for the tasty tangy somewhat musky wieners.
I often wondered why the butcher families had so many kids in the family, and what I thought was odd was that the cousins and aunts and onkels and other relatives always lived in the same building as the butcher family. I thought always that it was so nice that families were so close.
What this is all leading up to, was that I discovered the secret of the wieners. The butcher that we only went to was actually a family that lived close to us. They were our neighbors, and we always went to them because of that. I guess now that I can be thankful that we at least knew where the wienerfreuden were coming from. I befriended one of the Butcher daughters, Ursa. I used to go and play at her house, and she would come over to ours to play. Sometimes when I would go to play, the mom would send me away and say that Ursa was busy.
One day, Ursa's mom was at the market shopping when I went over to play. Ursa told me to come in while she got ready to go out to play. Naturally, I followed her to her room to wait. She stopped at this immense bathroom. There were counters lining the whole room and strings of wieners hanging from the ceiling. I thought it was weird, but maybe it's what butchers families do. Well, Ursa took off her panties and bent over. I was too young and unsuspecting to even get worried or scared. Heck, this was Germany, a new country, they are different than in America. Well, this isn't just your normal Germany, it was the weird town of 'Wienerbaden', high up in the mountains in Bavaria just before you cross the Austrian border.
As Ursa bent over she put her fingers into her but. She seemed to grasp something and then she pulled. A link of wiener came out, and another attached to it, and another and another. She said, "Don't tell my mom that I took these out early before they had proper time to cure". I was stunned.
She quickly dressed and we got ready to go outside. As we exited the bathroom, there were 3 of her relatives waiting in line for the bathroom, doing the shift from foot to foot thing. I was still dazed. We got outside and I managed to 'pull the truth' from her.
Apparently what we all have been smacking our lips over and eating link after link of, was butt-cured wieners with poop residue on them.
The butchers never reveal their secret to anyone, though the mayor of the town and other higher-ups know. What was really fascinating was that some farm families have caught on, and it is now considered a common sight to see a little kid running around on the farm with a wiener sticking partially out of his butt.
Ursa told me how her family is special and different, as they have made it a real art of seasoning and curing the wieners. They first make the wiener normally, as anyone would do in any normal town in Germany, then they insert them in their butts for as long as they can tolerate them. The fatter the people the better they are at sticking more in (which is the goal... to generate more money of course). Ursa's family actually works with their diet to season the pungent residue on the wieners. One week, Ursa could only eat sautéed onions and garlic with wieners, and apparently it made the wieners that were curing have a different special taste. When a family member has diarrhea, it makes the wieners very tender and delicate tasting. Ursa said that other butchers have part of the family take laxatives so as to achieve the same delicacy, but it never tastes quite right. One brother of Ursa's can only eat sweet things to add a unique flavor to his wieners. Each person gets a day off so as to recuperate, but because of the high demand for the wieners, the entire extended family is required to chip in and help with the wiener curing. That is also why there are so many butchers in this town, there have to be to keep up with the demand.
Now when I go back to visit, I announce to every one that I am vegetarian and No longer eat wieners. Every one grumbles and complains. I can't bring myself to eat those... ugh.
Last time that I was there, though, Ursa thought to surprise me. I went to go and visit and she ushered me into the bathroom. She told me that she had a special surprise for me and bent over. She didn't even have panties on. She expertly withdrew (as now we are older and she is very experienced at digging them out now) one lone wiener.
She said, "Look, I cured a Tofu hotdog in honor of you visiting our town
again!"
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