God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire

How did you find out about God?

1. __ Television
2. __ Tabloid
3. __ Newspaper
4. __ Torah
5. __ Bible
6. __ Other Book
7. __ Word of mouth
8. __ Near Death Experience
9. __ Divine Inspiration
10. __ Burning Shrubbery
11. __ Other (specify): _____________

Which model God did you acquire?

1. __ Yahweh
2. __ Jehovah
3. __ Allah
4. __ God
5. __ G_d
6. __ Father, Son and Holy Ghost Triplet
7. __ Jesus
8. __ Satan
9. __ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god.

Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

1. __ Yes
2. __ No (Please describe the problems you initially encountered here) ________

What factors were relevent in your decision to acquire a god?
Please check all that apply.

1. __ Indoctrinated by parents
2. __ Indoctrinated by society
3. __ Imaginary friend grew up
4. __ Wanted to meet girls/boys
5. __ Wanted to annoy my parents
6. __ Desperate need for certainty
7. __ Need to feel Morally Superior
8. __ Needed focus in whom to despise
9. __ Needed a reason to live
10. __ Hate to think for myself
11. __ Fear of death
12. __ Needed a day away from work
13. __ Like organ music
14. __ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

Have you ever worshipped a God before? If so, which false god fooled you?
Please check all that apply.

1. __ Odin
2. __ Zeus
3. __ Apollo
4. __ Ra
5. __ The great Spirit
6. __ The Sun
7. __ The Bomb
8. __ Cthulhu
9. __ The Almighty Dollar
10. __ Left Wing Liberalism
11. __ Barney T.B.P.D.
12. __ The Great Pumpkin
13. __ A burning cabbage
14. __ Other: ________________

Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?
Please check all that apply.

1. __ Tarot
2. __ Astrology
3. __ Fortune cookies
4. __ Psychic Friends Network
5. __ Palmistry
6. __ Self-help books
7. __ Biorythms
8. __ Tea Leaves
9. __ Mantras
10. __ Crystals
11. __ Pyramids
12. __ Insurance policies
13. __ Barney Fife
14. __ Barney T.B.P.D.
15. __ Lottery
16. __ Television
17. __ Ann Landers
18. __ Dianetics
19. __ Playboy and/or Playgirl
20. __ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll
21. __ Bill Clinton
22. __ EST
23. __ Jimmy Swaggert
24. __ Human Sacrifice
25. __ Wandering around a desert
26. __ Burning Shrubbery
27. __ Other: _____________________
28. __ None

God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?

1. More Divine Intervention
2. Less Divine Intervention
3. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
4. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?

God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 His handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

• a. Disasters
  • flood 1 2 3 4 5
  • famine 1 2 3 4 5
  • earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
  • war 1 2 3 4 5
  • pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
  • plague 1 2 3 4 5
  • SPAM 1 2 3 4 5
  • AOL 1 2 3 4 5

• b. Miracles
  • rescues 1 2 3 4 5
  • spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
  • stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5
  • weeping statues 1 2 3 4 5
  • water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
  • walking on water (other than the Hudson) 1 2 3 4 5
  • talking flaming shrubbery 1 2 3 4 5
  • VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5
  • Sadam Husein still alive 1 2 3 4 5
  • Cubs winning the Series 1 2 3 4 5
  • Clinton's re-election 1 2 3 4 5

Have you any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):____