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(Note: the following is probably too much emotional detail for some of
you. I leave it to you to decide.) Yesterday after work I went over to Corn's house. I suppose our original intent was to be naughty together, but instead, for the first time, we opted for something else. That's how I knew I really needed to talk to someone. Someone besides David. I guess I do understand Mary Anne when she says she doesn't want to burden anyone. I have not really had the guts to lean on any of my other friends recently; it almost felt like I had no other friends than David, and the few I did have I was scared of losing by coming to them for emotional support. I had been told that - that I was too needy - and I think that made me withdraw from anything that could be looked at that way. It didn't help that most of my friends that I *could* have come to for support did not approve of the way I was still involved with David. I knew I wouldn't like what they had to say. So, Corn and I talked. Well, I talked, sobbed a bit, and tried to get over myself. Corn...Corn was just great. He listened. He petted me, smoothing back my long hairs that got caught in his beard stubble. When I needed input, he would speak gently, asking key questions to get me thinking and giving suggestions solid from common sense. He didn't focus so much on the mess that David and my relationship has become so much as he focused on me. I think that was key. He shifted my perspective. Helped to, at any rate. After Corn and I talked (and he teased me until I was finally sorry we hadn't time for Fun), I had to run an errand for me and David, stop by my house for herbs for dinner, then over to David's to eat and do laundry. I asked him several times when we could have some time to talk. He put me off everytime. Finally, he was getting ready to go (I had to stay and finish my laundry) and we had only 3 minutes left before he walked out the door.
David, we need to talk. David: Yes, I know. Not now; I'm leaving in 3 minutes. Heather: I know. That is why I need to know we have a time to talk soon. David: I know, I know. Not now. Heather: Tomorrow? David: No, I don't know if I'll be in the head for it. Heather: I'm so tired of that line, David. I need to know I can talk to you soon - this weekend. It's very important, please. David: Probably not this weekend. I don't think I'll want to - Heather, I just want to have some downtime, PLEASE! Heather: I KNOW! It won't take long, just PLEASE say we'll talk. David (sighing): About what? Heather (sputtering): About WHAT? Pick any of our backlogs,
sweetie! You've been putting me off for months - you won't sit down
and talk to me about ANY of it, so all we end up doing is fighting and I'm
David: I know, I am too. But I have to go now. Heather: That's fine, just tell me we can talk tomorrow, please! David: No, Dammit, Heather, I just can't promise that! (I lost it. I couldn't take it any more, I was so frustrated with him I wanted to leap up and strangle him. He was reacting to me in his special way again, as always, and I couldn't get him to hear me. He NEEDED to hear me, he needed to hear what I had to say but he was refusing. If he never heard me I'd hate him for good. I had to do something). Heather: Ok. We're gardening tomorrow for a few hours. Then we're going to the Naked Leo party on Sunday. And after that (my voice broke on barely-controlled sobs), after that I don't know if I want to see you again until after Burning Man. (I started crying and the next was just above a whipser) I just hate you so much right now, I can't take it anymore David... (beat) David: Well. If that's the case, then I really don't see why I should go to that party on Sunday. Tell me when you won't be home tomorrow and I'll come by to work in the garden then. Heather: No! That's not what I meant. God DAMMIT. David: I don't see why I should go to a party with you if you hate me. Heather: No! SHIT. That's not how I wanted to say that! FUCK FUCK FUCK. I was looking forward to that party - to going to that party with you! You'll play music there, you'll have fun! I love watching you have fun at parties...I want you to go! David: Why should I go if you hate me? Listen, I have to go now. I told you that. (beat) Heather: Fine. David: I'll be back in an hour or so, but you don't have to... Heather: Yeah. Go. Whatever. And he left. My laundry timer dinged, but I didn't go down to switch it over for a while. I stared at the stupid stupid Sci-FI show on mute, the colors of the actor's outfits burning into my retinas. I wanted to call someone, but it was midnight at Kellie's house, and I didn't feel I could lean on Corn twice in one day like that. I'm afraid of losing him to my neediness too. When I finally decided on who to call, I hestitated because I hadn't talked to her in a while, and I felt it bad form to call someone you haven't spoken to in too long and cry in their ear. But I got over that. I got Carol, who was appropriately sympathetic but soon passed me to Jodi. I told her what had just happened. I cried. But after a few minutes I felt really silly crying. This is another reason I haven't been leaning on my friends. This should have been over months and months ago, but it felt like I'd just broken up with him. Sure, I had never let him go without saying goodbye like that, but at this point I'd still be doing laundry when he got back. I realized that I could probably talk to him a little then; after all, I pretty much told him what I wanted to say and he wanted to hear (not the hate part, of course, but the space part). My little evil insides that I despise so much in myself were hoping that he felt like shit for awhile - that my words' sting still smarted as he drove away. I was a little afraid he'd avoid coming home, but I knew he was tired. I realized, talking to Jodi, that I had finally DONE IT. And the important part is, it was me. It wasn't David asking for space, it was me listening to my self and honoring my soul's request for space away from him. It was me, the burr stuck in the winter pelt, that was finally losing my stickers and falling free. Yes. It was much more dramatic than I intended, but I said it. I got him to finally hear me. I finally had found my voice. It was quiet when he came back. We chatted about other things, he puttered in the kitchen. Heather: I don't hate you, David. I went on to explain why my frustration finally made me lash out. He understood. I told him why I thought the party on Sunday would be a nice "last day" before the break. He tried to pin me down on specifics of the separation - is email ok? we do need to communicate about the garden, but he can work while I'm at work, that ok? can he send me journal errata? I refused to be pinned down. I told him that if we ended up seeing one another during the week, it wouldn't be the end of the world. I didn't think that was so important. I would be at Burning Man the week after, so we had an "enforced" second week where we wouldn't communicate at all - as long as we weren't in each other's pockets for the next week, it would give us a good start. And you know what? He agreed. If he had come up with the decision to take a break, these suggestions of mine would have been shot down as "not appropriate" or some such. David has had many rules for me and my behavior - one of the things that drives me nuts about him, that makes me want to fight with him. But this time, I wrote the game, I made up the rules. I'm a little frightened. But I'm free. | ||
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