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I wish there were such an herb, one that would keep you from worrying too
much. Actually, when I went to the acupuncturist a few months ago, she
gave me some herbal complex with lots of Asian names I didn't recognize;
it was supposed to help keep me from dwelling, worrying and all that. All
that it did, from what I dcould tell, was give me spotting and cramping
way in the middle of my menstrual cycle. I'd rather worry, I
think. When I was pre-pubescent I used to have this theory on self. I thought a person's self was a usually hidden but set characteristic. I used the "log cabin" quilt pattern to ilustrate my idea. The true "self" was a white square in the middle. All around it, in varying layers, there were bars of other colors - blue, green, red - that were brighter on the edges but became paler and paler until they were the barest pastel right next to the pure white "self" square in the middle. I used to think the goal in life was to find your way to hte palest bar you could - I think I was cynical enough even then to know no one could find that pure white square. You "self" was a set thing, you just had to find it. Now? Now, I think that there are several selves: who you are, who you want to be, who others think you are, who others think you should be. My problem is that I'm always holding myself up against who I think I should be. No, that's not even my worst problem. My worst problem is that I keep trying to figure out who others think I am and should be - and I try to make *my* should be fit theirs, until I'm not even sure what my should be is. Oh, lord, this isn't making any sense, I can tell. See? Just there - I was putting myself down, second guessing what I said, and, yes, worrying what you'll think so I make appologies in advance. Ugh. Why should I care so much? I wake up at nights -often- worrying about the wording of an email, the way I did a job at work, wondering if someone's mad at me and just not willing to tell me. What a waste. What I'm trying to say is I think I know my problem: I don't know myself. I don't know what I want, not really. Or I want to be all things to all people, and I ignore myself. Hell, I've been doing this so long I don't even know exactly who I am. Oh, I know a few things, and maybe that's just a side-effect of youth: that lack of self-confidence. But, really, should I find it to be so crippling? Shouldn't I have SOME arrogance, some sense of immortality or some leftover teenage feelings of knowing I'm right? Or is this why people say that their 20's sucked - this realizing you don't know everything and you're never going to.... I mean, how do I get out of this? Does it just pass? Eventually it passes, right? | ||
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