Dear Diary . . . day by day

Thursday, June 7th, 2001 - Beauty calling

Props to Todd for finding me a copy of Via Voice to try out on my iBook. You rule, Meister.
Work is going pretty well for, well, work. Janine is all laid-back, letting us chat and stuff. She's buying a new TV to fit her new entertainment center (redecorating; she makes me want to paint my walls dark green), and she's giving me her old 27" TV! There goes my plans for having a TV-free house; I just can't turn down such a nice set, not when there's videos to rent and movie-nights to throw.
Still, I'm finding it difficult to stay at work. The weather here is so beautiful! We should all work outside on days like today! Tim knows what I mean; he's tempted by nature's siren song all day as I am. If I was a teacher, I'd take classes outdoors on pretty days. That's what I did when I was a sub (that and give inappropriate lectures on Beltane and Alanis Morrisette's misuse of the word "ironic"). So, the plan is to go to grad school, get an MFA in Creative Writing. That part is really mostly for my writing; I'm much better at cranking stuff out when I have deadlines, grades and lots and lots of peer feedback. But, if I happen to not write a best-selling literary novel in those 2-3 years, I will then happily try to teach. At a Community College (or, more realisitcally, several at once). Or even high school. Teaching, what little I've done of it, is one of the few things I can do as a job and feel really damn good about myself for it. Bookkeeping just doesn't give that kind of feedback, you know?
I'm rambling. Tim sometimes calls me his Rambleflower. I love that.
Mmm, I love Tim. I'm missing him right now, but it's not so bad, knowing that I'll see him near this time tomorrow. He's so much fun just to hang out with, spend time around. Even when we're not directly interacting (though those times are the best, wink), I love being near him. And he's good for me, for my writing, for my ideas, for my dreams and goals and, well, everything. He's just good. I actually sat down and wrote last weekend for the first time in . . . let's just not think about how long, actually. And now I'm feeling the urge to really, finally, throw myself into writing a novel. I'm a little worried about my focus - I'm easily distracted by other ideas and outside things - but I think it's time to try. I just have to decide which of my story fragments is most suitable for novel-length. Well, that and which one I'm most passionate about. I'm really into Goat Girl, but that might be because it reminds me of Tim, it comes from things he loves and thinks about often.
It hits me, when I'm walking down the street or staring off into space on the bus, how much my life has changed since Tim entered it. My life is totally, completely different in many ways. And, the hard part for me to grok sometimes, is that this change is so good. It seems like I've spent my life dealing with changes, but the big ones always seemed to be bad, or have a sinister feel to them. This change, this one is joyous. Uplifting. Tim is slowly teaching me how to relax and enjoy life. Teaching me by example, by love. I catch myself sometimes reacting in an old way, an old pattern, and it confuses me because it just doesn't fit anymore. And Tim's great, and patient, and he loves me so, so much. I've never dated anyone before who matched my intensity in loving another person, but Tim does. We love one another very well. It is so wonderful, my dear readers, so full.
I don't think I was still hoping for this kind of love to come into my life. I think I had given up, and was just looking for something good enough. I wasn't going to settle, but I wasn't expecting brilliance anymore. That seemed childish; I'd been through too much to believe in such fairy tales.
But Tim rewrote all that. Eloquently.
Yes, I know: I'm a very lucky girl.

Exercise log:

Writing log:

I'm currently reading:
Star Songs from an Old Primate by James Tiptree Jr.
On hold for now:
Henry and June by Anais Nin

My new PO Box is:
Heather Shaw
P.O. Box 13222
Berkeley, CA 94712-4222

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