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I'm feeling emotionally neutral these days. This is not necessarily a bad
or a good thing. I was talking to Judith today, and I realized that
change *doesn't* come from those emotionally intense, sobbing,
heart-breaking times, but from times like these, when one is neither
incredibly happy nor terribly upset. Neutral. It's a good place from
which to look around and say, "Hmmm. What's not making me happy in my
life? What is? What do I WANT to be doing? Why not do it?" You get the idea. The most shocking part of this mood I'm in is the feeling that I want to be chaste again. For awhile. I dunno if this is just because I'm not in love with anyone right now, or if I'm just going through a phase, but I'm having trouble connecting sexually to anyone at all. I love being cuddled and held and petted and all those good things, but if it starts to feel sexual, then I have a real problem getting past mental blocks. I'm not normally this way, normally I'm a passionate, wild person, and I'm very energetic with my chosen lovers. But lately, I've felt lazy and easily annoyed, which is not a fun thing for my lovers or for me. But, I'm not ready to make the jump to chastity, not even for a short while. Especially not around the holidays. What I am going to try to do is listen to myself. Let my body and mind tell me when I want to have sex, and not just assume I want it all the time (which is how I usually am...scary, yeah?). It's different for me, but I've done this before. Just not out here. The last time was right before I moved out here, and all my close friends (ok, most of them) were pregnant or had just impregnated someone. And I freaked. The last thing I wanted to do was get tied down with a baby or boyfriend before I made this big move to California, so I decided no sex until I moved. And I stuck with that, too, for 6 months. (Here's where David gasps and says he can't imagine a chaste Heather. Which makes me think maybe it's about time he met her.) This time around, there's friends with babies, too. I should ask their permission before I name names here, but suffice to say that a couple with which I am good friends are expecting a baby. Now, I don't think I'm going to get pregnant (I double up on protection/birthcontrol methods), but something about the seriousness of settling down and breeding, as much as I want to do it someday, freaks me out. It's a signal that the lives of my friends are going to be changing drastically soon, that they're moving into the next life phase. And, me? I'm going to be the type of adult who has friends with kids. Now in two locations! I'm not trying to be selfish, or unsympathetic, but life changes call for introspection of some type. And they seem to affect me emotionally. And, boy, does it make me think seriously about what I'd do if I accidentally got pregnant; thinking about it like that sure makes me not want to have to deal with it. Which may be why I'm just not into sex right now. | ||
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