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Well, the title sums it up. Yesterday was a day spent being
tense, on
edge, wired and all sorts of other emotional states that aren't
good on
your nervous system. I went to see Dr. Steve, the chiropractor,
around
4pm, and he snapped me around and made me feel a little better.
But
nothing seems to shake that feeling of a near-death experience.
All
conversations yesterday seemed to be about car accidents, until I
was sick
to death of hearing about them. I was nervous as hell driving
after work,
and I arrived at David's for dinner still high-strung. He didn't even want to hug me. I almost died, and he barely put one arm around me. Ok, so I'm confusing issues here. David's issue with physical contact (with me, with others, I dunno anymore and I don't know if I care) isn't really tied to whether or not I might have died. It's just that Judith gave me that kind of hug, that "Oh! it's so good that you're all in one piece here for me to put my arms around and hold!" hug. It was really the only one I got all day. I don't know what my problem is today. I'm seriously shitty. I woke up at 3am out of a traffic nightmare, only to lie there and obsess over whether David's worth my time and energy anymore, since I don't know that I'm worth his. I'm feeling majorly sorry for myself and lonely today. My headache did not go away with food or latte, and my ears have been aching for days now (I'm still trying to ignore any symptoms that I might be sick. I Don't Want to be Sick!). Argh. That's it: argh. Part bad pirate and part horrible Cathy cartoon. Oh, wait, she's all "ack!". Gods, I hate that cartoon. I believe you'll need to put those narcissus (also called paperwhites, also, I think, called daffodils (or part of that family). Mom?) in the crisper for 6 weeks, Mary Anne, since you're growing them inside. I bought a bunch last month and planted some and put the others in my refrigerator and promptly forgot about them. You could probably hang them out a window, since it's all chilly there. Is it snowing yet? I miss the snow. I hope it snows when I go home for the Solstice. Did I tell you all that? That I'm going home for Xmas/Solstice/Holiday stuff? Mom put a guilt-trip on me, and, since Holly's in Europe (I'll have more of her stuff up soon) and mom's paying for the ticket, I'm going home. Not that I don't want to - it'll be great to see everyone (Gryffyn and Kellie and Brian and Colin and, of course, Mom) - but I could've worked the whole time and had 4 more days vacation time to play with next year. Maybe next year I'll skip Xmas at home and rack up the days here. The travel bug has me and has made me very discontent with my life these days. Y'know what I did after work on Monday and Tuesday? Walked around stores for a couple of hours. By myself, not buying much (though I told myself I was "pre-xmas shopping"), not saying anything to anyone, not even very interested in what I was looking at (and I love shopping). I've been... oh, I've just not quite been all here this week. I don't know where this particular melancholy is coming from, and I don't even care. I think it's time for a major change of some sort, and the only thing I can think of is travel. But I can't travel for awhile yet. So I'm stuck here. Ok, ok, I'll *try* to end on an upnote (jeez louise): I started writing a sci-fi story. It's hard. I also have an idea for another sci-fi/fantasy/future utopia story from a conversation I had with Judith yesterday. That one might be easier to write. I want to write a story soon. Another story soon. If I put my energies into writing, I think that'll do wonders for my self-esteem. I should join a writer's group; classes and deadlines and helpful peers always help motivate my writing. Sorry so cranky today, guys. If my mood improves, I'll post again so this one won't be front and center. I hate showing this face to the world. | ||
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