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Next No, I don't even think
Burning Man was "fun". I am capable of having a good time, don't get me
wrong, but pure joy seems beyond my reach. There was something coming up that might have been
fun, but now it's just stressful. That's really disheartening. Well,
it's never fun to wake up furious. I can't say I'm surprised at my mood
today. I'll leave you alone now; sorry for bothering
you. Lunchtime update: I went to a couple of vintage clothing
stores and then Good Vibrations during my lunch in an
attempt to cheer up. Good Vibes usually does the trick, and I do feel
better. I couldn't resist buying myself two new toys, which I just showed
to Krista at the lunch table. Michelle shrieked when she saw one of them,
which I suspect I bought for the funny way it looks as much as the
technical aspects of the toy. Thank goodness for Good Vibes. I mean, I'm
still a little angry, but it feels almost bearable, I think.
Whipped out the laptop while waiting for takeout and started writing, only
to be thwarted by my battery running completely out. I really think the
fates are fucking with me.
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Wednesday October 11th -
What's Joy?
Burning
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I don't remember ever being so consistently unhappy as I have been
recently. I don't remember the last time I had actual fun, or experienced
joy. Natalie Angier, in
Woman: An Intimate Geography cautions in the chapter on muscles
that getting fit will not make you happy after the initial pride in doing
something virtuous for your health. But that wears off, fast. And I try
to dwell on my new muscles, my new strength, my emerging svelte, but it
doesn't do much to put off unhappiness. I'm still bored with my life, too
often actively unhappy, and not having fun. Exercise log:
Yoga class. We did the straddle stretch - where you put your legs in a
wide V and stretch your body on the floor in between them - which I'm
pretty good at. Then he had us bring our feet in so they were only a
couple of feet apart, put our hands behind our backs, and press up,
balancing on our heels and hands in a tripod shape. I've tried this
before, but with little success - it takes a lot of shoulder/arm strength
that I never used to have. Last night, I did it and felt as if I could
hang out there for hours. Ok, minutes. I felt strong. That was a really
good feeling.
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reading:
Woman: An Intimate
Geography by Natalie AngierPrevious
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