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Tuesday, February 16th, 1999
| My first day at Xinet went well. It's a little tedious, as all jobs are at first, what with learning the ropes and being watched over all day long. I felt like I had to be "on" almost all day, which isn't how it'll feel once I'm working on my own. The company, the folk, it's all just so cool, though. I really fit in with this company (so far). There's even a dance company right downstairs that teaches flamenco, jazz, tap, swing, salsa, yoga... and more! Tomorrow I'm staying after work to either take a beginning jazz class (Babs, the owner, assured me it was just for placement purposes and a good workout) or to try flamenco. I want to learn flamenco, but I'm not sure it's a good idea with my knees and ankles. | ||
| David, honey, I'm going to post the following without your permission. If you were here, I'd send it to you first, but since you're away... Well, call me if you hate it. You have my new # at work. | ||
| I came home after work and David called me. We had a pretty good talk - two hours - and he even admitted he misses me! David's been fairly blue lately, and it's nice to know that a little space has helped. Of course, I had to go and ruin it by bringing up relationship issues that have been bothering me... My problem is that I'm trying to be very, very patient and very, very good and I just can't seem to keep it in long enough. I want security. Part of me wants to give an ultimatum, like in the end of "How Stella Got her Groove Back", but, see, David ain't the dramatic, emotional save type. And that's not even the problem. The problem is, if you want to instigate change by walking away, you have to be prepared to keep walking. And that, of course, is NOT what I want. | ||
| I love him, see. And I think we can make this work.* | *And it'll be very much worth it when it does. Oh, we can be so good together! | |
| Still, I think we ended up on a good note. I really don't feel like the talk *ruined* anything, it just makes me nervous. Like I might step over the line at any minute, the straw that broke the camel's back, etc. But, then again, *everything* feels like that these days (I'm very paranoid). No, dammit, we were ok...and, hell, it was important for me to get that off my chest. If I had waited until he got back, it would have been hanging over me, pushing to get out and not letting me be excited at seeing him again. Fuck, I need to just be more secure in doing what *I* want to do. Yeah! It felt GOOD to talk, and it went ok. Being honest isn't going to hurt anything, and if it does, well, fuck it. You go girl!* | *I miss Melodi. We weren't terribly close, but she always gave me a boost. Made me feel strong. | |
| I'm feeling the lack of close girlfriends in my life. Yesterday, I called Kellie, but she wasn't home yet. My only close female friend in California is Mary Anne, who, in this situation, isn't exactly what you'd call an objective observer. But, to her credit, she and I had a good talk last night anyway. Still, I wish there was somebody else who was a local phone call away. In Indiana, I had my sister, Holly, who always yells at me and gives me very harsh love/advice. On the other end of the spectrum is Shel, quintessential girl-pal who's ALWAYS on my side, even when I'm trying to tell her, "I'm so stupid, I totally fucked this up". (Shel's very good for the ego). And then, there's Kellie, my level-headed old roomie, who comes at my problems with compassion and her psych degree. Kellie always had me thinking the right way about my problems. They were a magnificent trio. And you know what? I miss them more than I miss David right now. And that's saying a lot. | ||