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Today was a beautiful day. Even if I did start off this morning by questioning David's decision to get up too early (we went to bed around 4 AM last night and he hops out of bed at 10 AM!), the rest of the day went well. Mary Anne called right as I was popping in my second contact, and invited me over to do my gift exchange with her, Ian and Elle. Let's see, Elle gave me a lovely green and blue (my favorite colors) butterfly scarf, Ian gave me a very very nice hanging oil lamp (his mom's a potter and does wonderful stuff) and Mary Anne gave me a book on dance and an incredible little pin in the shape of a book with a fairy on the cover. The book opens and a little story folds out. Very cute, if a bit on the heavy side. It just gives me a chance to buy that nice coat I've been wanting, so I'll have something to pin it on. My gifts were a swing CD for Ian, a pressed flower picture frame for Mary Anne, and a cunning little pair of earrings (one a wine glass and one a bunch a grapes) for Elle.
I went with Mary Anne and Sherman to Alan and Debbie's New Year's open house party. It was a full house, but we soon found a room with our friend Ed playing a guitar, and the three of us joined him. I think I like parties like that the best; we met other people, and enjoyed their company, but there wasn't the pressure associated with being around lots of folks you don't know. It was if we were holding our own small court, in a way. Or just hanging out in a place where other groups of friends were hanging out. Well, I enjoyed myself. Kimberly (a friend of Ed's) exchanged numbers/email addresses with Mary Anne and I, and we vowed to get together and do "chick things"; this was after a lengthy discussion about our hair and how fast it grows, how we style (or don't style) it because it's long, etc. Fun.
Skipping back to new year's eve . . . David and I decided to stay in. Okay, David announced he wasn't leaving his house on New Year's Eve, and I decided to join him. As my mom says, people expect too much from a New Year's party, and are too often disappointed. I'm glad I stayed in with him. Even though I spend tons of time with him, the evening was not routine, but took on a festive air. Well, celebratory air, at least. He played guitar while I finished his pillows (one of the Yule gifts I gave him). He had these terrible pink and blue and white yarn covered things for throw pillows - all rough and ugly. So I made covers for all of them, in a nice brown, maroon and green striped fabric. One of the pillows was a circle, so I made it into a ying/yang with half striped material and half plain muslin. I also made him two big soft pillows, which enable one to lean against the wooden arms of his futon, thus making it more couch-like. It was very satisfying work, as it made a drastic improvement, both in texture and handsomeness of his living room.
I drank a good quantity of wine, but it was over 5 hours or so, so I was only tipsy at midnight. David was doing dishes as midnight approached, and I nervously bugged him to quit washing and kiss me to celebrate the new year. Then we hung out until 4 in the morning or so, chatting and looking at cookbooks together. I finally fell asleep on the couch.
We had fun.
Have I mentioned lately that I love him? It bewilders me sometimes how much I care for this man. How close we've become in the past 11 and a half months. I can totally be myself around him, yet it seems we can change for each other too. Oh, sometimes I think we're going to infuriate each other to death, but then there are those times when he's excruciatingly sweet and gentle and kind, and I just melt. I love it when we're both trying to make it work; it seems that it will.
Ok, ok, new year's resolutions:
Later - I updated the Who's who Franklin page a bit. I also added a link to the cat picture on the cats page and fixed Mary Anne's link. Slowly but surely I'll whip this page into shape. Thanks for the proof-read, David.
But I always take too many pictures.
Then David went home to cook while Jodi, Carol, Alex and I strolled Telegraph. Jodi used to live in Berkeley, so she and Carol stopped often to chat with people they knew, so I got some time to chat with Alex, who seems to be a very, very intelligent boy. I was getting testy, though, so it wasn't until later that I discovered that Alex is a Theatre Person. At dinner (at David's; we entertained! Isn't that cute?) he and I started up with the old college Monty Python quoting and fake accents. Fun! He even took my fiercely competitive nature so well that I didn't feel like the schmuck I usually do (of course, it helped that I won the game of Hearts). And Carol kept coming up with perfectly timed, dryly hilarious one-liners that would set us all rolling. Oh, these are good, good people! Why don't they live where I can see them more often??
Sunday was terrible. The high point for me was lancing a cyst behind David's ear. I wasn't grossed out at all; hell, it was fun, but don't tell anyone I said that, ok? I suppose it's because I know how clean David is . . . there's not a thing hygienically amiss with the man. Still, it just shows you how comfy we've gotten around one another. Bodily functions or boo-boos don't faze us anymore. It's nice.
Last night, well, lets just say that I'm really just too nice to my roommate and I can't wait for her to move out.
Tonight, I went to belly dancing class. Yay! I even achieved a shimmy at full speed for a few minutes. I know. You're all so very happy for me.
I've been reading online journals. Well, one online journal in particular, and I suppose I should give you the url, so here. I've been doing Melodi's job at work, which involves some filing after I open the mail twice a day, and then I get to sit and cruise the web on a T-1 connection for hours. So, I've been reading her archives. And you know what? I'm hooked on her.
I keep composing my own journals in my head in her voice. I do that a lot, actually; I think in the voices of the characters I've been reading lately. Really, I do. Sometimes I have conversations, *full* conversations between these characters - stuff that's not in the book at all. So, I'm not surprised that an online journalist would seem to take over my personality after reading her stuff and living vicariously through her for a few hours. Combine this with the fact that I just finished Ursula K. LeGuin's Lathe of Heaven, where realities are constantly changing and the central characters carry around several timelines in their heads . . . (oh, well, if you've read that book that last bit made sense, I think); it's as if I lived the months of September and October 1998 twice. I like hers better, by the way, but that's mainly because her daily life has a big, glorious garden at a brand new home which she owns and shares with her (sounds-too-good-to-be-true) boyfriend, not to mention not one but THREE cats (that she describes in such detail that I feel like I could walk into her house and mrrrt! to each and call them by name. I feel a certain affinity for Benny, but that may be because he reminds me a bit of Gryphon). I miss having a cat community! There are 8 cats at mom's house, which is too much for me, but it was lovely to have a warm body on your lap almost every time you sat down.
I'm sure this will end. Oh, I'm gonna read her every day, don't get me wrong, but reading a day by day account of her life all at once is all-encompassing.
In other news, it smells like rain here. I could easily be wrong, as I've mistaken for rain the sea smell in a westerly wind (or is it easterly? Whichever one means coming from the Pacific in the West). But we've had a comparatively light winter (knocking on wood) with regards to rainfall this year. Of course, my first winter out here would have to be El Nino.
What else? Well, I'm sending out Feeding Time at the Ego Zoo to Seventeen magazine. I'm going over to Mary Anne's to print it out. I was thinking of sending out all of my stories, but Mary Anne cautioned that trying to do that might prove too discouraging. Ok, yes, cover letters suck. I hadn't remembered that, probably blocking it out. Although a cover letter does give me the chance to tell the editor, "I am willing to edit for language. Please do not hesitate to call me with any questions or concerns." or some such. Yes, I know I'm a wimp, but hey, it'd be great publicity. And I think that story will work, as it's set mostly in high school. Perhaps a bit risque, but then again, it's 1999. Everyone's fin de siecle -ing all over the place. I think it'll fly.
Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of David's and my relationship. The night started out with backrubs, and next thing you know, this amazing kiss . . .
Nicknames: Well, in high school my stagecraft teacher called me Grace because I was always twirling around the stage on Saturday morning tech workshops. As a child the neighbor kids all called each other by their first syllable, thus, I was "Heathe". I wanted David to come up with a name he only calls me, but that was months ago and he hasn't come up with any yet. We call each other "Sweetie" which is hardly original. Oh, and he calls me "goose" when I'm being silly.
Hometown: Born in Chicago, raised in Indianapolis (from age 4 to, well, 24 if you count Franklin, which is only 20 minutes away).
Croutons or Bacon Bits: Croutons, as I'm a vegetarian, though I tend to pass on those. Too difficult to spear with a fork and not worth the calories.
Favorite Salad Dressing: French (or Russian). No, I take that back. David makes a great Dill. I've never had a dressing from David I didn't like.
Do you drink: If I can afford it, which I can't, really. I get drunk every 4+ months, and then I feel so awful I avoid it like the plague for weeks. Usually I only have a glass of wine or a beer or two. Enough to relax and be social.
Shampoo or conditioner: Both. You don't ask an either/or question like that if you have long hair. I've been using Neutrogena for too long. I want to go get my hair trimmed so I can get recommendations for a good shampoo that'll help these new frizzies . . .
Have you ever gone skinny dipping: If you've been reading this journal, you'll know I have no problem with personal nudity. Yes, the first time I skinny-dipped was in high school (though I was too shy to go off the diving board like almost everyone else). When else? Well, all the time in the creek at Lothlorien, before I got nervous about chemical runoff from neighboring farms. And I love going hot tubbing. This is not a big deal for me at all. And, no, I certainly don't have what our society considers the "perfect body". But I like it ok.
Do you make fun of people: We all do. Yes, I can be extremely catty. You can really tell when you read my fiction. I bite (sometimes).
Favorite color: dark green, intense blue.
Have you ever been convicted of a crime? Um, no. Save speeding. But I'm really good at talking myself out of tickets (knock on wood).
One pillow or two?: At LEAST two. I love pillows. I have 5 on my bed, and I sleep with one firm and one soft under my head, and a nice big one (covered with the flannel case) beside me. I'm a firm believer in personal comfort.
Pets: Gryphon. My cat, who still lives with mom in Indiana. Not only does he not travel well (he likes to pee or worse in my lap while I'm trying to drive), but trying to get a place that allows pets in this housing market . . . no thanks. But I miss him tons.
I used to have two white rats, Blue and Shadow, but they went to a good home when I moved and couldn't keep them.
Favorite Type of Music: Women singer/songwriters. I like to sing along and let all my frustrations melt into the music. Tori Amos is still my favorite. I also love the Blues (for a similar reason). And "world music" by which I mean anything with lots of drums. Oh, hell, anything I can dance to is fine by me. I love Celtic music too, but my knees and ankles make that dance style very hard on me.
Hobbies: Lately? Crying. No, ok, reading, writing, dancing.
Dream Car: A hunter green Jaguar.
Type of Car you drive now: David's Toyota Celica (when he lets me borrow it).
Words or phrases you overuse: Well, um, ok, gonna. Do you love me?
Toothpaste: I prefer Tartar Control Colgate, but I've been using David's Crest for awhile, and that's ok too. Dental floss has to be Oral B Mint Waxed.
Favorite Food: Hrm. Vegetarian baskets. Or a great big Indian meal cooked by David. Nothing quite as comforting as those two.
Piercing or tattoos: One hole in each ear, which lately has struck me as a little odd, although I like the way earrings look. I pierced my belly button myself once about 5 years ago, but my body grew behind it and "spit" it out. Tattoos I don't have, though I've always wanted a vine around my ankle. Holly has a fairy on her abdomen, which is pretty, but is going to look silly someday when she's pregnant.
On-line Crush: None currently. I met Kell through a MUD about 5 years ago, and we ended up "dating" and I even flew out to Oregon to meet him . . . but nothing of that sort recently. Too busy to spend that much time online.
Current boyfriend/girlfriend: David. Currently.
Most romantic thing that ever happened to you: That's too hard to think of right now.
Ok, one night, when I was dating Todd (so this is like, 6 years ago almost), we took a walk through Franklin, along the railroad tracks. Our friend, Ed, who knew the town, was giving us the tour. Ed had gone off to pee in the bushes when a train approached, its light giving us huge shadows on the wall of a nearby warehouse. Todd and I danced and leapt at the side of the tracks, watching our shadows, until the train overtook us. Then we both turned to each other and ended up in this amazingly passionate kiss, with the wind of the train whipping our long hair around each other. I felt utterly swept away.
Romantic things were always unusual with Todd, which tended to make them more intense. Later that night we slept entirely entwined around one another, and it felt like love all night long. Todd's the only boyfriend I've ever had that I can sleep that close to.
There was an even better kiss, once, with David, the night he got back from New York last October. But I can't even put into words something that intense.
How do you characterize yourself (a hopeless romantic or non-romantic)? Hopeless romantic. I believe that love can fix anything, I suppose. I must.
Do you get along with your parents?: Yes, I get along with mom just fine, even if she does sometimes nag me about stuff.
Favorite town to chill in: Lothlorien.
Favorite Ice Cream: Most anything by Ben and Jerry. Favorites include Cherry Garcia and Chunky Monkey. I also like a really good vanilla, though chocolates are where I tend to go.
Favorite Drink: Coca Cola, I'm sorry to say. Herbal tea, iced tea and chai are close seconds.
What's your bed time?: 'Round Midnight, though I always try for earlier.
Adidas, Nike or Reebok: None of the above.
Favorite Perfume/Cologne: I don't tend to wear fragrances anymore. I liked my fresh wood/white clover scented conditioner from Garden Botanika, which they've discontinued (boo hiss!). The way my hair smells is the way I smell. I used to wear oils, like patchouli or sandalwood.
Favorite Song at the moment: Nothing new. Um, well, I've been listening to Ani diFranco's Untouchable Face too much recently.
Favorite Movie(s): Tous les matins du le monde (my French is off; All the Mornings In the World). Made we weep for hours afterwards. I can't think of anything else besides Princess Bride, which is everyones default favorite.
Favorite TV Shows: Star Trek Deep Space 9. The Simpsons. Those I watch every week. I'll watch Next Generation, too. Used to watch Mad About You. I like Friends (and watch it too much recently). Kellie and Brian and I used to watch Days of Our Lives and make fun of it, but I've broken that habit (thank god!). And I'll watch X-Files occasionally.
Favorite Novel: Hard one to answer. The latest one I've read is Ursula K. LeGuin's Lathe of Heaven. The Sparrow by Mary Doria Russell is exquisite too. But I refuse to call them absolute favorites.
Favorite Website: Like I said, I'm really hooked on If you see her, say hello. Currently.
Favorite subject in school: English Lit and theatre. I really like sociology, too, but I got this stinker of an advisor and . . .
Least Favorite Subject: Plain old math.
Favorite Alcoholic Drink: Beefeater's and Tonic. On the rocks. With a twist of lime.
Favorite chick drink: Strawberry Daiquiri. Or a frozen margarita. I want to try a real mint julep, but I think I need to go to the south for a proper one.
Favorite Sport to watch: Gymnastics or Ice Skating. Out of the ones that you go rah rah for in college, Soccer. All the soccer guys had cute, floppy hair and such nice calves. Plus, most of them were my buds in college, and it was fun to cheer for them.
Most recent humiliating moment: Heh. Last Sunday, when Ian and I thought we had the house to ourselves and David walked in with Mary Anne . . .
Loudest person you know: Lydia and Charissa. Charissa probably wins, but I haven't seen her in years, and Lydia is a close second. I wouldn't want to be in the same room with both of them.
Craziest person or silliest you know: Me and Holly. We're really silly together. Elle can be pretty silly with her puns.
Favorite Holiday: Halloween. I love dressing up, making costumes.
What do you look for in a mate/lover: Intelligence. Kindness. Honesty. And a creative force. They also have to like me more for my brains than my looks.
The worst thing that has happened to you in the past couple months: My father died. Then, David and Mary Anne broke up. Now, David is forlorn and I'm not sure if I'm going to have a boyfriend much longer. The last couple of months have been hell.
Say one nice thing about the person who sent this to you and be sure to send it back to them: SiD sent this to me originally. He's grown up very well, and has kindly forgotten how stupid we both were as teenagers.
P.S. I was right about it smelling like rain. It rained that night. It's so gratifying to be right sometimes . . .
Last night I went to a housewarming party at my friend Todd's house. I told you he has a great place, right? And a pool table, which is a great attraction. I got to see Becky and Ricky, whom I haven't seen in a long time. They just adopted another dog (making three)! I don't have to tell you that they own their house. No landlord in the Bay Area is going to rent to three dogs and their owners. Well, ok, rarely. And I also saw Kate and her boyfriend, Seb. Good people, all of them. We all hung out in the foyer and played some pool. The rest of the party was pretty punk rock. Later on when the crowds thinned, there were mostly people I've known through Todd for awhile, so I didn't really notice at the time I was the only one with no facial piercing. Or hair dyed in an unnatural color. They're a fine group of folk. I did notice the difference when Ian showed up, fresh from the opera. He was so groomed and formal looking. It's to Ian's credit that he noted this and flopped on the couch and was his usual, friendly self. But I'd had many beers by this point, and was ready to go home.
So, I'm tired and drained today. Slightly hungover and wiped. The topper to my weekend came tonight when David and I brought my laundry into my house. The door was wide open and the kitchen and dining room were packed with people, some of which I've never seen before. Music blaring, Tracy's having a party. I was very annoyed. And slightly frightened, as I wanted to go to bed, and that meant going out and telling everyone to leave, because my bedroom is right off the social space of the house. I implored David, silently, and he took pity on me and brought me back to his place.
Should I have gone out there and told them all to leave? Was I being a wimp? I mean, I am rather nervous about Tracy's ability to lock the door at the end of the night, let alone the chances of something of mine breaking . . .
But, honestly, I just didn't have the strength left to face all those people.
Throughout the day I have either a view of the hills out my window, or San Francisco and the Bay across the hall. I've almost been doing a study on how the fog rolls in. Today, the hills looked like the knees of a lady, slowly revealed as she rolled off her stockings. The City takes longer to unveil, and does so both slowly and all at once, like a photograph in the developing tray. At first there is just white, like you're looking out from a Tupperware bowl. Slowly, dark spots emerge across the Bay, taking fuzzy outlines of images until you get enough contrast and detail to discern a city, sometimes coming into focus and other days sitting there in a skirt of fog, like a castle in a cloud.
I'm on a creative roll tonight. I finally got a good start (maybe half?) of my new how-to column for February. I'd tell you the topic, but I don't want to shock mom, so you'll just have to tune in to Clean Sheets come February 3rd and find out. Come to think of it, you should tune in there regularly and often. Not only is it a pretty keen, clean and fresh erotica treasurehold, but we need the hits. You know how it is.
I just had a long talk with Sharon about Tracy. We're gathering our forces, making lists of complaints and buying locks for our doors. Why this? Why now? I swear, Mercury must be in retrograde* for me or something. Life keeps smacking me in the face.
*No actual knowledge of what this may mean is implied. For novelty use only.
Ah. Rain. I remember rain like this. Didn't it do this every day last winter? No wonder I noticed it was missing! You can't ignore it; it's everywhere!
See, my problem is that I wear one pair of shoes almost every day: Birkenstock clogs. These are just terrible when large puddles start forming; it's almost impossible to keep your heels from getting soaked. Not to mention that, since I wear them every day, the soles are worn down and are very slick when walking across certain surfaces like smooth brick. They like to use smooth brick around BART stations, which is perplexing to me. They're asking for a lawsuit.
Driving to my belly dance class was more like sailing. I knew I was in trouble when I joined a line of cars all heading for the highway. Nothing but red, glaring brake lights reflected in lots and lots of water. So, I let myself be bullied off at the next exit and took the low roads.
Funny, my teacher commented I was too tense to do the body wave we were practicing tonight. That's what I love about belly dancing - there is absolutely no way to do it right if you're tense. Too much depends on certain parts of your body being able to shake freely from the other parts. But tonight it was just my shoulders and upper back(still tensed up around my ears from driving). My hips got going quite nicely and it's about damn time! I've always used my hips a lot while dancing, and I couldn't understand why they wouldn't respond. I suspect it's confidence, which is another mandatory condition for belly dancing. I'm finally beginning to loosen up and dance better in front of these people. Dance classes are such intimate things - especially when you've bared your midriff. You're all lined up in front of these huge mirrors (which I think make you look short and fat and adds rolls around the middle the farther away you stand from them), rolling your hips, or snaking your body or even rolling the fat of your stomach in and out and in and out . . . do you see what I mean? It's not even the fat - it's the trying to roll it around seductively! Then I glance up in the mirror and see my knitted brows and screwed up mouth -- not exactly sexy!
Things are looking up. David is planning a full Mexican dinner. The menu:
I'm sitting here staring at my closet, thinking, that's what men don't understand when they say women take so long. Their bodies don't have so much flux. As for the bathroom thing, sometimes we just want to get away . . .
(That reminds me of a story: When we were coming back from Burning Man, we stopped in Reno at a casino for dinner. We all rushed into the bathrooms, practically bathing ourselves in the warm, running water at the sinks. Judy mentioned that Scott always suspected women of "eating toilet paper" when they took so long in the can. You can guess what we did: we strolled out in a line in front of the boys, munching solemnly on bits of TP. Pretty soon we were all laughing so hard we were kneeling then rolling on the plush carpet, frightening the big-haired patrons).
Mom's been sending me email about "If you see her say hello"'s journal! Comparing her relationship with her half-sisters to the way I interact with mine. Letting me know what happened to her stray cats. Mom is now farther along than I am in reading her archives. This is what I get for mentioning the cats. There's loyalty for you; I wonder which journal she likes best!
9:22pm: The Mexican dinner was fabulous. The white bean quesadillas had roasted red peppers in them and tasted sublime. The refried beans were nicely spiced but a little dry. Salsa, very sharp (which is how David likes it). Rice is rice, you know? And my guacamole was very flavorful, but needed another avocado. David (who is still learning to pick out ripe avocados - they need to be kinda soft, but not mushy) said they were $1.29 each, which is not the most expensive I've ever seen them, but I think they're out of season. I really don't know, which is embarrassing, considering how much I like avocados in general.
David's being a sweetie pie, pulling his "I survive because I'm so cute" crap. And you know what? I'm so glad.
Well, I've been in a piss-poor mood all day long. I'm not feeling well. It's too hot at work. I went outside and took a slow walk at work and got a cramp in my lower left back. I don't feel good.
Bitch bitch bitch, whine whine wine . . .
Yes, I think I will try a longer paragraph soon. Sorry to be so curt; I just don't know what to write about, I suppose.
My birthday is this weekend. Aren't you excited? I don't know why, but I had this poodle skirt and decided to throw a 1950's birthday party. A small party. With cupcakes and chips and dip. And pool, because I'm having it at Todd's house (hey, almost a tradition, second year in a row).
Geesh. I can't even sound excited about my own birthday party. See, also this weekend is my friend Jodi's birthday (same day, one year older). I thought she was going to have her party on Friday, so Sharon and I scheduled a time slot on Sunday to meet with prospective roommates (oh, did I mention that we're trying to rent out Tracy's room? Do you know how many phone calls this generates when you live bike-riding distance to UCBerkeley? I suddenly screen all calls). Nope, party looks like it's going to be Sunday, and I don't know yet whether it's during the day or at night, and if I'm going to have to leave Jodi's party early or miss it altogether (which would really bum me out because Jodi's cool and I love those folk and they're going hot tubbing . . . sigh). So, I can't really schedule people on Sunday until I know . . . ugh. Stress! Why did I want to have this damn party anyway
It's all Tracy's fault. She could've given us more notice; now we've got 10 days to find the perfect roommate. I'll tell you what we want: a quiet gay man. Or one with a hoppin' social life away from the house. We're sick of parties. We've also decided that while we get along ok, adding more female energy is just too tricky. Oh, what am I saying? We'll probably end up with another woman, but almost every guy gets a callback. Not the crweepy ones, though, so stop fretting, mom!
Later: Talked to Sharon, and we've pushed back the roomie interviews until Monday! Whew! Now I get to do everything this weekend! Yay!
It's a relief, at least. That was one of the major bummers that fed my mood all day long. Now I can sleep somewhat more peacefully. Hurry up and sleep before I think of something else to worry over. Good night all.
Sharon and I just finished 4 grueling hours of meeting prospective roommates. Ugh. We've got it narrowed down to 2-3 people (a sweet guy and a set of twins where we'd let them decide between them). I dunno, twins seems like having 4 people here, but the guy was our first, so we're not clear on important issues with him, like cleanliness, parties etc. But the twins were so nice, very down-to-earth . . . honestly? We just don't want another set of women's toiletries in the bathroom. There's really not room for 3 women in there; two women and a man work just fine. Yes, I know, I'm being sexist, but it's TRUE!! You agree, deep down inside. You totally know where I'm coming from.
The rain is so wonderful, so musical. I'm so sleepy; it's been a long day. 'Night, dears.
No, what's lame is that I have all this to talk about, and I'm going to give you guys the following silly little list that I was forwarded in my email today. Some of it's stupid, but some is just so funny, I can't resist. I'd edit, but that would take time, now, wouldn't it? I'm not thinking right now. Brain overload.
New sayings that should be on buttons (for women)
1. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
4. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
5. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
7. This isn't an office -- It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
9. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
10. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
11. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
12. You! Off my planet!
13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
15. Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
16. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
17. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
18. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
19. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
21. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
22. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
24. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
25. And just how may I screw you over today?
26. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
27. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
28. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
29. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
30. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
31. Yeah, right! Like I'm going to put that icky thing in my mouth.
32. Allow me to introduce my selves.
33. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
34. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
35. Better living through denial.
36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
37. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
38. Adult child of alien invaders.
39. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
40. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
41. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
42. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
43. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
44. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
45. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
46. Mall whore: I can suck the numbers right off your credit cards.
47. After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?
48. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
49. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
50. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
51. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
52. Adults are just kids who owe money.
53. One of us is thinking about sex..... OK, it's me.
54. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
55. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
56. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
57. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
58. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
59. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
60. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
61. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnScrew you!
62. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
63. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
64. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
65. Too may freaks, not enough circuses.
66. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
67. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
68. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
69. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
70. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
71. Earth is full. Go home.
72. Is it time for your medication or mine?
73. Does this condom make me look fat?
74. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
75. I plead contemporary insanity.
76. And which dwarf are you?
77. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
78. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
79. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
80. It ain't the size, it's..... no wait -- it IS the size.
81. Meandering to a different drummer.
82. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
83. I majored in Liberal Arts. Will that be for here or to go?
I was always afraid of this happening.
I'll be making a more complete entry later today. I just wanted to get this plea out ASAP. Thanks.