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Dear Christian God,
Look, I know, we've not spoken in years and years, so you're probably
thinking this is a last-ditch effort on my part to save my ass from the
apocalypse a few hours from now. Nah, I mean, I'm already doomed, but I'm
ok with that, y'know? And, just in case you take pity on me, and are
thinking about granting me access to the Christian heaven, here are a list
of your commandments with descriptions of how I've broken them.
- You shall have no other gods before me.
I'll take
Isis, Astarte, Deanna, Hecatate, Demeter, and Innana just to name a
few. - You shall not make graven images.
Hmmm. I've
worshipped plenty of goddess images at Lothlorien. I think that
counts. - You shall not take the name of the Lord Your God in
vain.
Well, goddamn, this was an easy one. - Remember the
sabbath day and keep it holy.
I've worked many a Sunday; I've
done things that would make your Christian hair curl on a Sunday.
So there. - Honor your father and mother.
Ok, I honor my mother,
but remember when I was 14 and screaming bloody murder at dad? Not that I
feel guilty about that or anything (he probably deserved it), but that
should count against me on this one. - You shall not kill.
Ok, so
I've
never offed a human. But I've hit a goose accidentally with my car, not
to mention countless ants and insects.... - You shall not commit
adultery.
Well, up until this year, this one almost got me. But thanks
to polyamory and the sweetest, sexiest married couple I've ever known in a
Biblical sense (wink), I've broken this one several times, with relish.
Question: It still counts as adultery if you sleep with both of them
at the same time, doesn't it? I'm just saying... - You shall not
steal.
Ok, not
recently, I'll grant you that. But, I have a way of keeping my
boyfriend's clothing around when they don't know about it....there's also
those times at the grocery store when I was 4 or 5 when I'd take a candy
bar, hide it and eat it under my bed later. Boy, I hope all that guilt
doesn't negate this sin! - You shall not bear false witness against your
neighbor.
Ok, well, I just told Aron that Jen is a communist. I know,
pathetic, lame, but I still think it counts. - You shall not covet your
neighbor's (fill in the blank).
Oh, c'mon. I'm as jealous and greedy as
I can be and I'll admit I'm not above buying something just because I saw
someone else with it. We live in a capitalist society, this one's easy.
So, "God", what I'm trying to say here is you can just pass me up
when you're collecting souls for your version of heaven. I can think of
no worse hell than to live eternally with these modern-day "Christians".
Maybe you meant well all those years ago, but, honey, you've gotta learn
when to let an old idea fade away. I'll take my chances, really.
Thanks anyway. Not Yours, but truly, Heather
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