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I just want to say that the weather today was the coolest. The wind this
morning was blowing in different speeds, so some trees were shaking and
some were swaying as if in a gentle breeze. The clouds kept changing the
shading, so the light was almost flickering on and off, with weird
whistling sounds as the wind whipped through the cracks in the poorly
insulated buildings around here. I looked outside and almost freaked out
at the white waves cresting in the Bay. "This is tornado weather!" It was a relief when the rain finally came. Hmmm, I'm recycling a forum posting for my journal entry for today. You can call it laziness, or you can say I'm apeing Beth, I don't care. I'll expand the end of my rant, which was something I was going to rant about today anyway, so those of you who've read the original forum in Ms. E's journal will have something new to chew on towards the end of this page.
Recently, I've been wanting to be strong, not skinny. This probably comes from reading too many "end of society as we know it" sci-fi novels set in the near future - between that and watching Buffy, I really have the urge to be able to kick ass if I need to. Of course, I still avoid swimming because the last time I swam regularly, my upper arms got to big to fit into my favorite blouses. So maybe I don't *quite* have the "muscular is beautiful on women" mindset down, but I'm working on it. As for fat, well, yeah, I could lose some. I'd love to get my cardiovascular health up to speed, but it's slow going. For the most part, my body image is so much better than it was as a teenager/early 20's - I'm curvy, but I'm sexy and I don't care if I'll never have that svelte model-thin look because, hey, so few of us do. It REALLY helped moving out of the midwest, where the boys I dated always made it clear my weight was an exception - that they loved me EVEN THOUGH they still thought I was fat. What a change to come to California - where everyone is so obsessed with fitness - and find men who tell me I'm perfect, that they love the fullness of my ass and my undeniably WOMANLY curves. I scoff at boys who tell me I'm too fat - who the hell needs them anyway? I know, I know, my body image shouldn't rest so much on what the boys/men think, I know. But it sure helped to have a few out here tell me differently from the masses in the midwest - I'll never buy into that bullshit again. Mentally, I'm in good shape right now because I'm taking a computer class and remebering, "Oh, yeah, I'm a very fast learner." It's helped me realize how much I'm capable of. Yay school - it's very empowering. This week has been, overall, a very good week for me. I know, I was sick earlier this week, but it wasn't as bad as it's been in the past, and I'm wondering if my combination of vitamins and stress-reducing techniques like getting enough sleep and doing yoga, have finally strengthened my constitution. But, where the big difference is, I think, is in my mental stimulation. Back in school, well, I wasn't the most dilligent of students to be sure. Either stuff was too easy for me or there were too many distractions or I was just too young and stupid to realize that I really should try to learn as much as I could while I was still in school. I look back at college now and think, Damn, I wish I'd taken Physics, I wish I'd paid more attention towards the end of Astronomy (both of these would help so much when writing science fiction...sigh). But now, well, I'm much better. I really, really want to learn Unix, and I spent hours doing my homework for Wednesday. I was one of the few in class who actually had done the homework, and I found the class review doing exactly what it was supposed to do: solidifying the information in my head. I was helping the other students as well as coming up with new ways to use the information I was learning. A nice side-effect of this is that I am feeling, well yeah, very empowered. I have that old feeling - that "I'm smart and I know it" feeling. I feel like I can do whatever I set my mind to again, instead of feeling like I've wallowed for so long I've gone dull and useless. I feel sharp again. I feel capable again. Now I've just got to hold onto this feeling for dear life. | ||
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