Dear Diary . . . day by day

Wednesday, June 21st - Inner Zen
I'm amazed by people who have an inner peace. Amazed is not the right word . . . intrigued? No. Um, here: I admire those who have attained some sort of inner peace. Yes.
Krista, who works at the desk next to mine (when I'm not answering phones at work) has an inner peace. Maybe I mean patience, or large kindness. I look for kindness in others; I am awed by it. I just realized today, listening to Krista talk to someone she didn't want to be talking to, that even though it's not immediately apparent, Krista has that sort of patience and kindness and openness about her that attracts people - probably because she can handle them so well. She's not the sort of person you would assume had this sort of skill - she's often loud and raunchy and has a party-girl look and demeanor. But she's got a serious, sensitive side that is really quite full and giving. I am intrigued, it's true.
Jeff is also one of those people who has an inner peace. I think of his as more obvious - his zen-like outlook on life seeps through in almost every situation and he handles stresses with ease and patience and a kindness that you can tell runs from deep within him. He doesn't think it's obvious, however, as he's got so much energy (he claims it's unfocused, but I think of it more as open to a myriad of possiblities; he accomplishes too much to call his energy unfocused) and he's always going going going and wanting to get out and do things. But the thing is, he does this all while maintaining that inner peace and patience and kindness in every little thing he does. I, personally, think that's much more impressive than staying at home in a hermit-like space and trying for patience. He brings it with him, it's a part of him, he doesn't have to retreat to find it. Hm, maybe it's easier that way - being busy like that doesn't allow much time for self-pity or wallowing. Oh, that's interesting, I'll have to chew on that one.
Anyhow, the point of this entry is not "People I Admire" (although I do, it's true) but "How Does Heather Achieve This Inner Peace?". Well, I'm observing these creatures in their native habitats, that's a start. Hell, just being aware of these qualities in other people probably helps. I know I'm attracted to kindness - it was one of the main qualities I adored in Todd, way back when we were dating and currently in our friendship. But, well, maybe it's time to figure out how to achieve this for myself.
One thing I've realized lately is that I react differently to different people. This should be a no-brainer, but it's struck me recently what a very different person I am for, say, Jeff as opposed to David. I am a much kinder person to Jeff. This weekend I was describing for him how I usually yield to people, and he told me that no, I didn't, I just thought I did! I thought about it for a minute, then told him, "Well, with you I assert myself more, it's true. I guess that with most people I let them have their way, but I get resentful of it, and that's when the passive-aggressive self comes out, and I don't like her." Jeff responded sharply with, "Don't try that passive-aggressive stuff with me - I won't take it." "I know" I responded, "That's why you think I don't yield to most people when I do; I'm much better about it around you."
David is sad that Jeff and I have better interactions than he and I do; I don't blame him. But it's not just me being mean to David, oh no. We've got a whole dysfunctional cycle built up and once we've started on it (say, a conversation gets started off on the wrong foot) we both come back to it, get stubborn about STUPID stuff, pick scabs, bicker and try tearfully to pull out of it. Yuck, yuck, yuck. But, well, this is where I think it's good to remember that I'm not like this for all people - and more and more people are seeing a better side of me, the side that's trying to learn from my peaceful friends like Krista, Jeff and Todd. I'm not saying I should have carte-blanche with David - it IS very important to me that he and I get ourselves out of this ugly cycle for once and for all (otherwise I'm outta here, sooner or later) - but it does help in not despairing that I'm a terrible, ugly bitch after every bad conversation with him. I'm not. That's just David and me right now - but it's not the core of who I am and it will change. Change is too powerful a force to stop; it's comforting to know that the only sure thing is that things will, eventually, change somehow.
Enough introspection. Have a loverly day, dearies!
Ok, this really got to me. What a picture! Congrats, Karen!
But, my Gods, everyone around me is getting pregnant! Ellie just had her baby, and one of the new women at work, Danielle, is pregnant and Roshani (whom I don't know all that well, it's true, but I hear about her in MA's journal) is pretty far along. I managed not to run screaming when I first found out about Elle because I told myself, no, this is NOT another epidemic, it's just one person. But now . . .
I'll have to filter my water. What really gets me is that I just went off the pill, oh, yesterday (mainly because I was too busy last week to pick up more pills, so I decided it was time for a break for my body). Not that I'm having any sex, so that's ok. But somehow, with all these new families starting up all around me, I'm really frightened that somehow it's gonna happen to me, too.
This makes me question how much I really, eventually, want children. (Mom, please, no emails arguing with me on this - too soon for that, ok?) I mean, I like the IDEA of having offspring - I'd love a little girl or two - but I'm not sure I'll ever be up to the practicalities. I was saying to a friend of mine the other day that I wish I had an extra 18 years to get ready for this, instead of the mere 8 or so I have until I'll be too old to have a first baby safely. Not fair! Why can't we have kids whenever? Why this biological clock? Why?
It's not even the physical pushing the baby through a small orifice thing that bothers me - that part I think is really amazing and cool - it's the being tied down, staying home and taking care of a baby. Scarrrry! What a life-change! There are TOO MANY things I've yet to do with my life, and a baby would deny me most of them! Which brings me back to the lament about how women can only have babies when they're young. I want to spend my youth on other things.
Anyhow, I just thought I'd rant about this a bit, as it sorta goes with the whole "Inner Zen" theme (different take on the same theme). I'm gonna go work on my homework now. Ciao!
Exercise log:
Yoga night last night. We did a salute to the sun about an hour before the official solstice (which was around 6:47pm Pacific Time) and our instructor, Kalidasa, was all excited that we did it so close to the actual time. "I'm just a pagan." he told us. I really like Kalidasa and his teaching style - very open and happy; great energy. And, well, you just don't find that kind of attitude just anywhere.
Writing log:
Fretted over the state of this first story; contemplated others; wrote nothing really.
I'm currently reading:
A Good Scent from a Strange Mountain by Robert Olen Butler (for my writing class) and
You're Ugly Too by Lorrie Moore (eventually for class, but I'm reading it early because I couldn't concentrate on the quiet skill of the Butler story and found Lorrie Moore, whose sarcastic wit soothes my bitter, bitchy soul . . .ahhhh)
Put on Hold (for becoming almost impossibly cheesy and flowery - too much even for me!):
The Fall of Atlantis by Marion Zimmer Bradley

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