Dear Diary . . . day by day

Tuesday, May 23rd - You can't force Love
Exercise log:
Lifted weights at lunch yesterday: Chest and triceps day. Didn't feel like I did anything at the time, but I'm somewhat sore today (not as sore as the last time I did Chest and triceps - whoo-hoo!) Oh, I want to write about Spain - if I don't do that soon, I'll not be able to finish it and I'll be very angry at myself. I'm feeling restless, though, and unable to concentrate on it. I've developed a special little writer's block precisely for the story of the rest of this trip - rrrgh!
Life. Sigh. So, I suppose I can tell you all that I've been doing the Yahoo! personals thing. The reason I feel able to tell you this is because I think I'm going to stop trying to do this. I'm still not in any sort of mood to start a Relationship. In fact, trying to force myself into falling for one of these total strangers (which, despite many emails back and forth, and even a date or two here and there, they still are) has caused me to fall in love with someone I consider just a friend. That's always annoying - falling for a friend - because then you've got to forget about that love/crush thing when you hang out with them, so things don't get awkward. I'm doing ok so far - it comes and goes, that crush feeling - but I'm still annoyed with myself. But it makes sense, yes? I mean, here I am revving up for love, of course I'm gonna fall for someone I've known for awhile and with whom I'm comfortable.
Ironically, that's the entire topic of the brilliantly-written little novella I read last night - Very Far Away from Anywhere Else by LeGuin. It deals with love and friendship and the boundaries between the two. My only solution to my dillema, however, seems to be wait it out - either he'll fall in love with me, too, or I'll get over my crush. Watch - those two things will happen at exactly the same time. I just can't win.
I'm going to try and give up on love for now. Romantic love, I mean. I have dear friends I love deeply, and I'm gonna keep on with that sort of love. But this trying to make something HAPPEN - why did I think this was a good idea in the first place? Oh, yeah . . . that loneliness thing.
So, of course, we're back to SELF-IMPROVEMENT as a focus to this whole current life thang. I should get a better-paying, more interesting job (difficult because I love almost everyone where I'm working now). I should plan a camping trip or two - should go this weekend, if I can find a willing camping buddy (I have trouble asking men, as it seems like such a come-on. David assures me it isn't, but I still worry). I should do a financial plan - a real one. I should figger out whether or not I can travel for a few months this fall. I should start applying to grad schools (preferably before I go off and travel). I should budget/save money to go to Burning Man with Holly, who will undoubtedly be broke or close to. I should write something BEFORE I start that Creative Writing class - just to have a few things back, y'know. I should finish the Erotic Museum review for CleanSheets. I should get going on the SpecFic bookstore. I should clean out my closet . . .
Oooh, that reminds me! I took a whole basketfull (laundry basket that was falling apart) of old, unwanted objects to the Center for Creative Reuse here in Berkeley today! Unloading all that crapola really felt good. I think I'll look on that as a good beginning.
Have a lovely day, dearies!
I'm currently reading:
Eye of the Heron by Ursula K. LeGuin
Read last night:
Very Far Away From Anywhere Else also by Ursula K. LeGuin

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