Dear Diary . . . day by day

Tuesday, May 15th, 2001 - Who's a Cranky Girl Today?

Bleah. I should know better than to do anything right before my period. I should know to have a large supply of various nummy varieties of chocolate on hand to appease myself. I should know myself better; I should act like I know myself at all.
Hi. I'm a bit cranky today. If you hadn't guessed.
Actually, I'm writing this on Monday evening - a full 5 hours from Tuesday. But this will serve as Tuesday's entry, because I will not feel like writing one tomorrow. Maybe. Anyway, I'm cranky on Monday and I want this day to be over, so I declare it Tuesday.
Yes, I so too can do that!
ANYway. Yesterday, woke up with a rash. Thought it was a heat rash. Today, it's not gone. This is a very little rash you can hardly see. I only discovered it yesterday as I tried to shave my legs. It's all over, but it doesn't itch and you can't see it. No problem.
'Cept today I freaked out over the thought that I could be contagious. My boss (big boss, not Janine) and his wife just had a new baby, and I would feel like shit giving a baby a rash inadvertently (if I meant to give it, that's another thing entirely . . . geez! just kidding!). So I call Kaiser. I clock out to do this, as I know it's going to take awhile.
An hour later, I had an appointment later that day at Kaiser.
Ok, so I don't have health insurance. I called and made this appointment knowing this but I had to know TODAY whether or not this barely-a-rash thing was contagious or not. I was trying hard not to freak. I feel disgusting and bloated anyway, and this rash is just a topper.
Anyway, after a $22 urine test (results in a week or less!) and a $65 office visit with a "Doctor" who had to go read up on skin disorders while I waited in her examining room, I ended up with two sheets of paper that will cost me big bucks to get turned into results. I do know that I'm not contagious, which is something. But there were at least a dozen different blood tests on that lab sheet and two prescriptions (one for a cream and the other for antibiotics for my ear - I made her look in my ears, as I was sick recently and I'd just paid $65 out of pocket to be there, so why not?). All those blood tests are just to see what might be causing the rash (I've already forgotten the rash's name; it was too cute a name for a rash anyway). But she said it's probably that cold/flu virus I had a few weeks ago manifesting itself in another way. Which just goes to prove my theory that I never really get well, I just temporarily win out over the same flu bug I've had for years and years . . .
I flipped out in the lab and left before they could call my name and tell me how much it would cost. I tried to sign up for health insurance (I'm ashamed to have gone without for so long; I'm a big girl, and I know how to and that I should, have health insurance), but after waiting 20 minutes to see someone, I'm told they're not allowed to have the forms there, and I can call and wait 2-3 weeks to have them mailed or I can download them online. Too fucking bad my fucking printer is fucking fucking up on me. Fuck it.
I cried all the way home. Pathetic, sorry-for-myself tears. I called David to have someone soothe me (even though it was only 30 minutes before my counseling session) and then I went to see Amber, who was very sympathetic. Soon we were talking about other insecurities and fears in my life right now. And, slowly, I felt better. I am such an external processor, and my life has become increasingly compartmentalized - there are some things I can tell this person, but not those things. . . . argh. It was nice to lay it all out at Amber's feet and have her help me dig through my childhood to find where certain fears and anxieties come from.
Still, even though I felt better afterwards, I had to stop by and try out Fenton's, where they make their own ice cream. Mmmm, Dutch Chocolate Chip and Cream Caramel Almond Crunch. And I liked the Crunch better. Who would've thunk it?

Exercise log:

Writing log:
Oh, have the coolest story idea! Must . . . write .. . soon!
I'm currently reading:
Fool's War by Sarah Zettel
On hold for now:
Henry and June by Anais Nin

My new PO Box is:
Heather Shaw
P.O. Box 13222
Berkeley, CA 94712-4222

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