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Maybe it was the long walk we all took yesterday. True, at the time, I
was without sunglasses and without decent walking shoes, so my feet hurt
and my head ached from squinting. Then again, it was a brilliantly
beautiful day, and I got a good dose of sunlight to drive away the
blues. Maybe it was the sleepy drive to Kiva, where I ignored the dusky view of the Santa Cruz mountains at twilight in order to clutch a soft velvet pillow and doze off while Carol and Jodi chatted quietly and reassuringly like parents in the front of the car. Maybe it was three full hours at Kiva, soaking in hot tubs, reclining in front of the fireplace, playing with their new kitten (all black. It always distresses me when I see an all-black cat, because I know there were many almost-all-black cats with white noses that were passed up for this one perfect noir cat.), sweating out impurities in the sauna and tiptoeing around cold grass and stepping-stones. I didn't get any backrubs, but I did give one neck rub and one foot rub; sometimes I find dealing with someone else's tension in such a physical way is very reassuring; I like being able to DO something about it. Maybe it's the fact that I finally made a decision. Sure, I woke up this morning worrying that I was making the wrong choice and I'll have a frantic, unhappy time in Humboldt and the girls will never forgive me and all that, but it wasn't the same gripping fear I usually wake with. I think it will be good to get away. Maybe it's all the work to do at work; ordering and arranging and filing and making sure everything is in order has filled me with a sense of purpose, or, at least, control. It's good to see things where they belong. Maybe it's just finally passing. Or maybe I'm getting a small break from it. Or maybe I'm working through it, or have made the right decisions and the goddess has decided to reward my mind. Maybe. | ||
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