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Oh, am I tired. I woke up at 3:30 this morning, and started thinking
about stuff. I hate it when I do that, and as soon as it started I knew I
was lost. I can't turn my brain off. I had this problem a lot in college
- especially when I was taking a philosophy course. This time it was
mainly stuff about David, which isn't nearly so deep but a lot more
personally distresing than philosophy. I was still awake at 5am, when I
knew he'd be getting up for his plane (he left for a week's vacation
visiting old friends today), so I could at least ask him the couple of
things that were on my mind that he could answer quickly. Don't worry. I'm not going to dwell on stuff with David; I'm sure you're all very bored with all this stuff by now. I'm certainly tired of it. I've never been in this situation before; usually guys who treat me like this and evoke this sort of behavior with their reactions to me don't last very long. Of course, the problem isn't David, or me, but this monster that the two of us have created out of all our bad points. Oh, we can get each other going good, it's amazing to me, really. I'm dissecting it slowly, trying to calm myself enough out of the spell to see where each of us is going wrong. And we BOTH go wrong - a LOT. If David and I were giving recommendations for one another for other relationships....well, neither one of us would date again. Heh. Luckily, this nastiness seems confined to just the two of us. Oh, god. A moment of black humor: I finally am getting that "special" place in David's life I've always wanted! Really, though, lest you think I'm still pining over my lost boyfriend: I just want my FRIEND back! D'ya hear me, fates? I get the joke! Game over! Make us be nice to each other again, PLEASE? I want to get on with my life! I'm still getting over being sick. I had a yeast infection last week, which took me too long to catch (I had messed up my pills, forgetting two, thereby screwing up my hormones royally, so I just thought it was my body bitching at me about that....forgot about those strong anti-biotics and the way they can give you a yeast infection). It was HORRIBLE by the time I started on the Monistat, and ended up going to the doctor TWICE before they gave me a pill instead. I was lying low, trying to take this weekend to rest, when my flu, which was hanging around in the form of a hacking cough, tried to sneak up on me and take over again. ARGH! I want to be well, that's all I want. And then I want to clean my room, and then I want to start meeting my deadlines, and then I want to create and live and be happy, dammit! (Not necessarily in that order). I've been reading a lot: Last week I read "Six Moon Dance" by Sheri S. Tepper, and this weekend I read "City of Illusions" by Ursula K. LeGuin. I'm reading a book of LeGuin's short stories called "The Wind's Twelve Quarters" right now. Lots of feminist sci-fi (well, ok, the LeGuin isn't so much feminist as just...um, humanist?). I keep getting the urge to write a story, or a book.... I started about a page of fiction this weekend and got bored and went back to reading, even though I think the premise of this fiction has great potential. Maybe I'm trying to do too much with it, but then again, part of me says "write as much as you can, you can always edit later". The problem is that there's no real plot or storyline yet, just an idea. And I'm not skilled enough to make the imagery, setting and character carry the story. Yet. Hmmm. Maybe I should just forget about writing a story and just do my writing exercises from "Steering the Craft" (also by LeGuin - love her, if you hadn't guessed). Maybe I should just forget about it and dance for awhile. Maybe I should get some sleep and think about this later. | ||
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