Dear Diary . . . day by day

Wednesday September 20th - Done Moping Now (I think, I hope)
Burning Man
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Let's start with an excerpt from an email to David
I didn't sleep well last night, but that's ok. I had some weird dreams with mice and dinosaurs in it and people ending up in different dimensions and all the people in my dreamworld were screaming at me at one point "You're LUCID dreaming! Why don't you STOP THIS!"
Gee, thanks guys.
Anyhow, I think it was a message from my subconscious to quit fucking wallowing. So I'm quitting. I'm such a quitter.
It's exhausting anyway, wallowing. And you get NO MUSCLE TONE whatsoever doing it. What a bum deal.
First of all I want to thank everyone who has either put up with me during this past downward mood-swing (David, Mom, Judith and many others at work) or has sent me encouraging email/phone messages (Kellie, Sherman, Mary Anne, Charlie). Even though my moods usually have to run their course, the kindness was so vital in the midst of how I was feeling, I can't tell you.
As this mood fades, or as I pull myself out of it (and I can't really tell exactly which is more prevalent) I've decided to stop feeling sorry for myself by throwing myself into exercise. It's the only thing right now that I really feel is going well (I've lost 10 pounds in 5 months, my body is showing signs of improvement, I don't get breathless as easily) and I've decided to take it to the next level. They're having free nutrition counseling at the Y (well, the first session is free, but the second is only $45 and I think it's probably worth it) and I've decided to talk to someone about my diet. Last night I resisted the urge to run out and buy something full of chocolately goodness right before bed (I usually have a sweet snack every evening) and I'm thinking it's about time to rehaul my eating habits. I haven't paid attention to them since I went vegetarian 10 years ago (which was a landmark because it proved to me I could change the way I eat and stick to it), and it's about time I got some good habits down. It's all about making stuff a habit for me; it seems to be the only way I can stick with anything.
Krista here at work is a big inspiration in this health kick. She's the one who gave me a copy of her weight-lifting routine and went to the gym with me to make sure I got the moves right. She's the one who would always praise me sincerely when I'd come back from running at lunch all red-faced and smiling. She's also been setting a fabulous example by training for a marathon these past 4 months or so. She's talked about meeting with her nutrition counselor, and she's been so very good about resisting all the treats here at work and sticking with her diet. She didn't go to Burning Man because she has to keep running every day and was afraid she couldn't do it in the heat (which is probably wise, as Burning Man always wipes me out physically). I've also seen her body go from pretty damn good to amazingly prime buff (yesterday she paraded around in her jog bra because of the heat, and I was just astounded at how great she looks; like I said, I thought she had a perfect body BEFORE). She always takes me seriously when I talk about working out, saying "good good" when I'm good and giving little tidbits of advice on how to maximize what I'm doing. She's my workout hero.
Michelle recommended signing up for a marathon because they give you free training. I don't think I'm quite to that level yet (even a year from now I can not imagine being able to run 26 miles all at once). But I wouldn't mind getting to the point where I could train for a marathon if the fancy struck me. My goal is to be buff by 30, and since I turn 28 in January, that's not an unreasonable goal, I think. At 2 pounds a month that would be 64 pounds total (which is actually too much - hah! the thought of losing TOO MUCH weight!). Anyhow, I'm incredibly vain, so this sort of body consciousness is probably both good and bad for me (good in that it's something I care very much about and can take much pride in, bad because I'm vain enough as it is and pretty is as pretty does and all that). It is nice to see my cheekbones emerge from my chubby, fat-girl cheeks (now if my acne would just stop acting up).
Anyhow, my new concentration in on the physical. Oh, I mean, I'm still going to write, and I'm probably going to get counseling too, but I can't help but think that if I'm happier with my body, my mind will follow suit. I hope. To help with the socialization and make more friends, I've decided to add some group activities to my workout routine. Tonight I'm going to try and make it to Aikido class and I'm looking into a swing dance or salsa class (partner dancing as opposed to belly dancing where the women are all trying to outshine one another). I should probably try to squeeze in a writer's group somewhere and hey, I haven't done a play in much much much too long!
Heh. Some of you might see the method behind the "goals" - if I'm busy, busy, busy then I don't have time to wallow and feel sorry for myself, right? Right.
Exercise log:
Yoga class. He said he was going easy on us because it was hot. I wish he hadn't said that, as I felt really bad-ass for making it through almost every pose with ease.
Writing log:

I'm currently reading:
Woman: An Intimate Geography by Natalie Angier
Doomsday Book by Connie Willis

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