Dear Diary . . . day by day

Wednesday, September 22nd, 1999 - Pretty is as Pretty Does

	I took a belly dancing class last night. It was the same one I was going to back in January (the one I quit going to because it was driving David crazy having me borrow his car once a week and I was sick of hearing about it). Anyhow, I have my own car now, so I can go as often as I can afford to. The first half (Basics I) was crowded. I could hardly see myself in the mirror, though I suspect it's not that bad a thing. I mean, I hate getting dependent on mirrors when I'm dancing. It's a crutch; you need to FEEL the right moves, not see them. Besides, you can never see what you look like from behind. Anyhow, I hate mirrors because I always always look in them, but I know I'm less uptight about dancing when I've got my eyes closed. When I'm trying to follow someone through a mirror, suddenly my body doesn't move quite the way I'd like it to. A couple of women came up to me after class and complimented me on my style and finesse and one even asked for help. I went over a basic step ("just practice isolating your hips; worry about making it smooth once you've got that down") with her for my entire break. Then Basics II started, and I got a good look at myself in the mirror. I was wearing my long green skirt and green Indian scarf around my hips. I had on a black summer halter top (the only thing I have that shows my belly) and my hair was down (soon to be sticking to my back until I twisted it into a knot on top of my head). I had a clear view of my image in the mirror. And I was HAPPY with it! Belly and all. I first noticed this on Saturday, when I tried on all sorts of outfits that have never fit before, trying to find something new to wear to the wedding (which I intend to write more about soon). Everything FIT. Stuff that never zipped before suddenly zipped right up; stuff that was too tight now hung perfectly around my hips; shirts were no longer pulling across my breasts. I am THINNER. And I can see it in the mirror. Oh, happy day, oh joyous occasion of new thinness! Never mind that this is the result of being sick for 2 weeks right after Burning Man (which always thins you out); never mind that I'm now terrified to eat anything for fear of this being a temporary state that I'll soon balloon away from. Do you know how much it improves my dancing with a mirror if I LIKE what I SEE? It's so much easier to give yourself that sexy, seductive dancer's attitude when you don't feel like a dancing cow. I actually thought my hip movements were sexy! I loosened up, I danced! Ok, so the point of this entry isn't that I lost some weight (I've no idea how much; I stopped weighing myself regularly quite some time ago so now only my doctors know). It's that I realized that I used to think that all my problems would be solved if I could just lose 45 pounds. If I could just be thin, I'd be such a knockout that life would become a piece of cake. I don't know what I thought would happen; perhaps I thought the gorgeous got their own living stipend or something. Anyhow, pretty is as pretty does is what mom always used to tell her vain daughters, and it's true, of course. (Moms are always right, it just takes so long for kids to realize it that it does very little good.) It's ironic that I finally am fairly happy with my appearance about the same time that I'm bemoaning and working on my inner beauty. I have been in a constant battle with my inner bitchy child recently. It's so easy to give into those little evil things that feel so good but (usually) hurt others so much. It's so easy to be selfish, yet want others to give you everything, care for you and love you. I find it very difficult sometimes to be an adult; controlling my urges and my spite takes up a lot of energy. Of course, I'm beginning to realize that the less attention I give my spite, the less of a problem it is. Still, it comes around sometimes, and sometimes I indulge it. Like picking a scab - you know that if you do it, you'll just have to wait that much longer for it to heal, but you do it anyway. Hey, you get another scab to pick at later.... Anyway. I'm actually in a good mood today. Those nasty things I mention above were actually more current on, say, Monday, when I was feeling sick and unable to deal with the world. I've got to watch myself when I'm sick. No, I should just try to be as healthy as can be, right? I've already cut myself back to only one Coke a day (from 4-5 a day), and I'm 2 for 2 on getting to bed in time this week. Now, if I can just eat healthily (but not too much) and exercise/dance every week....well.... We'll see what happens, yes?
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