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Todd came over last night for dinner and to hang out/catch up. I haven't
spoken to Todd in over a month, but we'd recently exchanged emails and
finally managed to get together. Todd is by far my oldest friend out here
(as in, I've known him for almost 7 years now) and was the only person I
knew when I first moved out. It seems strange that we don't hang out so
much any more... I made fresh salsa and guacamole (both with tomatoes fresh out of the garden) and white bean quesadillas. Both Sharon and Todd agreed that my salsa was *very* good, which was pleasing as I've never made salsa before (ok, ok, David gave me the recipe, but I didn't follow it exactly). The guacamole was good, too, though I wanted more avacado (but at $1.98a piece, no way. I thought fruit was supposed to be cheap this near to the Valley). Anyhow, dinner went well and Todd the darling did all the dishes (including the "no-man's dishes" that Aron and I couldn't agree on who'd dirtied them in the first place). I was actually feeling a bit shy around Todd, which is so weird. Todd is the first boyfriend I'd ever had that I felt totally comfortable around, and we had learned a LOT from each other back in the day.... I think by the time he left, I felt more comfortable, but I was left with another feeling, which I'll get to in a bit. Todd said at one point, "Hm, you and I always seem to do the book talk thing...oh, I guess that makes sense." We were looking at my bookshelves, now overflowing with volumes my mother brought out from back home last month. He has many of the same books; we were English majors at the same time at the same small college, so this is not surprising. I love it that we're both into Science Fiction now, and we can get each other excited about new authors and ideas and stuff. I forced "Heliconia Spring" upon him, telling him he'd be back for the next two in the trilogy soon enough: "That way we'll have to get together again in the not too distant future." Todd says he's been almost obsessive about reading lately, reading every little chance he gets, whether he's alone or not. He's going to loan me the author that inspired this fervency in him, and I'm so excited; I love taking book recommendations from people I trust (like Todd). His new job at work involves a bunch of cryptology and computers, so he's been reading up on both the history of cryptology (it was called magic in ancient Egypt because that's what it seemed like to those not doing the deciphering) and the use of cryptoloty and computers in modern fiction (a la Neal Stephenson). Leave it to Todd to find the creative edge in his sys admin job. I have some of the coolest friends. Ah, but talking to Todd made me yearn to say something like , "I'm writing a novel, want to read it?" except, of course, there is no novel. There are no new stories. There's a smatering of poetry and a slew of journal entries, but not a smidge of new fiction. No new project, no new and interesting creative outlet. I said several times, "I should write more" but I always say that. It left me feeling a little empty, not because of Todd (who's a big sweetie and would be horrified to think he made me feel this way - which he DIDN"T), but because I'm hard on myself, especially when faced with the accomplishements of my peers. I was horrified that after not seeing Todd for so long, my biggest accomplishment was "Well, David and I aren't fighting as much..." and that's a purely subjective viewpoint, unfortunately. I want to change my life. I am tired of sitting by, watching it go by. I need to seize something by both hands, thereby letting go of everything I'm clinging to too desperately rgiht now. I am so tired of answering phones and coming home and doing nothing. | ||
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