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Woke up this morning at 5am and found myself entertaining thoughts of
suicide. No, not in such a serious manner that I would actually go ahead
and do it, but in the self-pitying teen-angst way where I dwell on how sad
certain people would be if I were dead. Actually, that's probably closer
to what I was fantasizing - some unforseen event that left me without my
life, causing much sorrow to those around me. Anyhow, I called David around 6am to let him know I was, if not up, awake. See, I had to drive him to the airport and we were gonna leave at 6:50am. During the course of our 7 minute (yes, he timed it) conversation, I managed to collapse into tears more than once. I felt so . . . weary, desolate, alone and losing. I think I exhausted my supply of sad and tired by 7am today, I was that sad all at once. David asked me, "What's up; I thought your life was all better - excited about Grad school, scuba, etc." and I replied, "I know! It is! . . . Except when I'm around . . ." "Except when you're around me." "Yeah." "Oh, god." A short time after this, he told me that if I didn't stop crying, he was going to cry, too. I think that consoled me a bit, as it was good to know that he's saddened by our deteriorated state as much as I am. Misery loves company; also: if he's as sad as I am, or close, then maybe he'll meet me halfway. I dunno anymore; I just want our good friendship back, but I'm too busy being sad about what we've lost to suck it up and stop crying and let things work. It's a damn good thing he left today. I was quiet until I got across the bridge. Well, I was quiet then, too, but by then my mind was thinking again, instead of numb. I went to Costco. I shopped. I felt better. By the time I got to work things were so hectic that I didn't think about him much at all. Things are easier when he's not around and I have other things to think about. Anyhow, I know these are the boring entries, and my newer readers are wondering what in the hell I'm talking about. Sorry. But, hey, today begins two weeks without David! I'll try to refrain from dwelling on how much I miss him here, and focus instead on all the cool stuff I'm doing. . . . Now, I just have to find some cool stuff to do . . . | ||
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