| I'm going the easy route, and I'm commenting
on stuff in Mary
Anne's journal. This thing about reading/hearing something read not
being as disturbing as seeing it. It's not that way for me. In
fact, although visual images disturb me too, I find reading something
horrible makes it even more horrific than seeing it. In movies, usually
there's something that flags it as fake - usually it's just the horror
movie formula that does it. I'm not saying I don't shriek or get weirded
out...but usually those trite images fade soon (after a night of cowering
under the covers). But, if I read it, then it's my own brain
feeding me images, and sometimes that's just too much. If I'm supplying
the visual, then the girl in the story is going to look like me a little.
The settings are usually drawn from my own life, and the dialogue is
always at a familiar pace and tone. These are little things, but it makes
it much too real for me. Too close to home. But, then again, I'm the
kind of person who adopts the main character of whatever book I'm reading.
I begin to think as they do, making dialogue in my head that fits their
way of speaking/thinking. I dissolve into books, or they do into me. In
any case, my imagination can be much scarier than any Hollywood special
effect. I do agree about the painfully embarrassing sit-com situations
they throw at us. Ugh. Recently, I was hiding my eyes during an episode
of Friends, when Rachael was going over the top to attract a new
boyfriend. Aron said that this was why he thought Seinfeld was so
brilliant; they just cut away right before the awkward moment, using their
little baum, be doody-do music to imply that something embarrassing is
occuring. I must admit Seinfeld is easier to watch than
Friends in that respect, but then again, one of the things I love
about Friends is that sometimes they show life in all its
realistically painful glory. I love to watch the girls get together and
comfort one another over men. It makes me miss Holly, Kellie and Shel
horribly, but it also comforts me at the same time. | |
|  | |
| The second thing from that journal I wanted
to comment on: The need to touch. Oh! Mary Anne, sometimes you scare
me. I know exactly how you feel. One of the reasons things get so
difficult with David is that he's my main (only?) source of physical
affection these days. I don't hug my roommates on a regular basis, and I
really don't hang out enough with other people to have a consistent source
elsewhere. Ian is good for hugs, as well as Elle, Mary Anne and,
occasionally, Todd (when I ask). Carol and Jodi would be ideal, save that
they just moved even farther away*. But, of the people I see on
a daily basis, none of them seem the hugging type. The other day at work
I was very sad, and Fal offered me a hug, and I took it. But I wish hugs
were something friends just naturally did. I mean, I guess they do, but I
wish it happened at a "lower level" of friendship (whatever that means).
Sometimes I ache to be held, feeling physically uncomfortable until
someone touches me. I hate this isolated feeling. I love brushing
someone's hair out of their face. I love having my hair played with. I
love discovering the texture of a cheek, the curl of eyelashes. I love
backrubs and connecting and I love not caring or noticing when a bunch of
friends fall onto the couch together, legs overlapping and arms
interlinked. | *(another 20 minutes, making it almost an hour
and a half to go see them! - *sob*)! I'm planning a quick overnight trip
there this weekend, and I plan to flop between them like a dog, burying
myself in Jodi's softness and Carol's self-confidence. I miss those
women! |
| | |
| I finally started getting some sleep, thanks
to this Myaplex suppliment (Calcium, Magnesium and Valarian Root extract).
I took 2 last night at 9, and by 9:30 I was asleep. I was woken up at 1am
by Aron (who was taking out the recycling), and I got up, went to the
bathroom, and went right back to sleep! Amazing. I didn't even wake up
until my alarm went off this morning, which hasn't happened in I don't
know how long. I've been waking up at 5 or 6am and not being able to go
back to sleep. It was such a relief to get a full night of uninterrupted
sleep! I *did* have a splitting headache this morning, but it was
managable after I had my first Coke after I got to work. I still think it
was mostly the Myaplex, because this headache *felt* like the kind you get
from a drugged sleep. Too bad, but maybe a good thing, as I won't be as
tempted to use this stuff every night! | |
| | |
| Today is the first Friday of the month, which
means we have a company lunch here at work. I'm in charge of these, and
this is the first one I'm doing on my own. We're having Ethiopian food
from the Red Sea. Mary Anne guided me on what to order (I don't eat meat,
but I'd be drawn and quartered if I didn't order plenty of meat dishes for
the Engineering dept.), and I'm having it delievered by Dine One One. I'm
nervous, but I think I got plenty (too much) food. I hope everyone likes
what I ordered! | |
| | |
| I'm avoiding some topics, making this a sunny
journal entry. I am in a pretty decent mood today, but last night I came
home and just wept for half an hour. I hate this up and down stuff. I
want CONTROL, dammit. But, I suspect that comes with age. At least
that's what I tell myself these days. I can hardly wait the 14 years to
age 40. Give me wisdom! It just occured to me that 40 might be the
start of menopause. Fuck. | |
| | |
| The weather here is stunning. Clear. Warm.
Sunny. Not too breezy....from my desk here I can see the City perfectly.
The Golden Gate has that promising look, as in "Enter here, all ye who
seek". Seek what? Doesn't matter. That reminds me. On boring
afternoons, I've started playing Hearts and Euchre through Yahoo! Euchre
is always so interesting; since it's a Midwest game, I'm usually the only
California resident playing. And the dialogue is so different from the
Hearts room. We actually had a guy who had the handle
"death_to_all_fags". I've never seen so many players drop out so quickly,
which was encouraging. I still think the internet is a fairly open-minded
place, and it's nice to be able to react to these sorts of assholes and
let them know exactly what you think of them without risking bodily
harm. Anyway, I was wanting to end on the pretty weather, so I'll invoke
it once more for you - yay Spring! May your flowers blossom copiously.
May May bring you (and me) the love you desire.*
| *Thank you! Thank you for reading this, and a special
thank you to everyone who has written me with compliments and/or
encouraging and kind words. It means a lot to me. |
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