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Next I imagine my eardrum with two little
bite marks near the top, like a vampire's kiss. She asked if it hurt
like hell and I told her about my wailing, crying, fit-having
Wednesday. She nodded. Sounds about right, I guess. Should I be
comforted? I wish she had warned me that draining it would be so painful,
but then she wasn't expecting it to pop like that. It still hurts, by
the way. I'm extremely sensitive to loud noises in that ear. It hurts
when I swallow. I decided to work out anyway, because, well, I
don't want to lose the one thing I have to be proud of right
now. I at least need to maintain. But it's not easy to lift
weights with inner ear problems; free weights are scary when
you're dizzy. Anyway, don't want to wallow at you guys too much,
but there's really not too much to say. When I got my pills at Planned
Parenthood earlier today (no pap; thank goodness, even though I should get
one soon) the doctor was all concerned that I take St. John's Wort. She
asked me so many questions about depression that I started crying. In the
waiting room there had been a computer that listed signs of clinical
depression and it was like a checklist for me: Loss of interest in things
that used to interest you (including sex). Check. Feeling like you can't
do anything well, that you're worthless. Check. Sleeping too
much/waking in the middle of the night with depressed
thoughts. Check. Thoughts of death or
suicide. Check (no, no, I'm not about to off myself. I'm too much of a
wimp, and somewhere, deep down inside here, I'm just too stubborn to let
go of life like that; I know there's much I don't know yet.) Anyway, I
keep trying to "snap myself out of it" and "stop wallowing" but maybe I
should just admit I need help. Well, actually, I've been admitting that
for some time now, but lack of funds keeps that not an option. But
really, I think I've ceased to function fully. I won't be able to afford
to live if I keep this up.
The Many
Masks of Halloween in Strange
Horizons.
Solaris by
Stanislaw Lem
Woman: An Intimate
Geography by Natalie Angier
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Slap on a blindfold and spin me towards happiness . . .
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2000
Ear update: there were two little holes in my right eardrum when the
doctor looked in today. She said that it was probably for the best; that
if there was that much pressure, it's better that it drain out two small
holes than stay in there; that the eardrum is like tissue paper, and it
will fold over and heal eventually. Exercise log:
Thursday: 30 minutes on the elliptical machine. Friday: lifted weights -
legs, chest, a little triceps, sides, and abs.
Writing log:
I'm currently
reading:
Crazy Time by Kate WilhelmPrevious
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