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Thursday, February 25th, 1999
| So, many of you (ok, my mom wrote me) were wondering what it was that David had to tell me last night. Even David commented, this morning, that I make it sound much worse than it was. I guess I do. But my point was really that I *knew* there was something up, even though he tried to hide it. I hate that. I guess, if I really can't tell, then yes, we didn't have to deal with it right away. But it was sort of hanging there all evening, with me wondering what it was that was secretly bothering him...letting that sort of thing stress my evening with David really bites my buttons. | ||
| It was just a scheduling thing. | ||
| Oh! I hope most of you out there read this with empathy and not with a voyeurs smile. I know I'm terribly petty often, and I sure don't hide it too well from you guys, but I don't think that it's abnormal. I try to be, um, forthright and honest. Sure, I can get catty behind your back, but I never pretend that I'm never catty. Do you see what I mean? I try to be honest about my character. I'm not sweetness and light. Not all the time at least :-) | ||
| Yeah, yeah, what scheduling thing? David wanted me to switch nights, Thursday for Friday, so that he could see MA the one night she had off. | ||
| This has so many levels I don't know where to start. You know that, up until 12/15/98, David was dating both me and Mary Anne (both of us fairly seriously). We were doing the poly thang, and, to be honest, I sure wasn't dealing with it too well there at the end. I don't know how to go into my reasoning without telling you too much about the other lives involved as well. But, that's one thing about poly--many people are involved; many people know your business. Let's just say that I had a hard time dealing with the fact that she was as important to him as I was. Yes, even though she introduced us. See, I never thought I'd get so involved with David -- I thought it'd be this light thing. But I fell in love w/ him just one teensy month after our first kiss. That's what the 15th of every month is for me, the anniversary of that kiss. I'm pretty mushy about him, if you couldn't tell, and I give him lots of credit he earns only sporadically. But he was nuts about her. I still think he loved/loves her more than me. They had talked about starting a family, all sorts of commitment things that he and I weren't ready to talk about (but did anyway). Oh! It drove me nuts when he would spend a night with her. It got worse and worse until I was wondering if I wouldn't have to break up with him after the holidays. | ||
| Then my dad died. | ||
| Then MA came to some serious decisions. Then David and Mary Anne broke up. | ||
| So, since that time you'd think I'd be happy, right? No. I'm still jealous. | ||
| Think about it. Wouldn't you be? It's classic to be jealous of the ex-girlfriend, the more recent the breakup and the more intense the relationship, often the fiercer the jealousy. Yes, I'm releived that there is no longer a romantic/sexual aspect to their relationship, but that doesn't mean I don't feel like something of a consolation prize. Add to this David's recent "I'm not sure if I want to be in a relationship right now" mood, and you've got one intensely worried, jealous Heather. So, when he's so eager to change our plans so he can fit into *her* extremely busy schedule... not only does it bring back bad memories (of getting booted so he could see MA on her nights free), but it makes me pace all night long with jealousy. What are they doing? Is he being sweeter to her than he is to me? Is he kissing her on the forehead and telling her he still loves her? Is he blaming me for their breakup? Is he longing for her?? Are they CUDDLING RIGHT NOW??? | ||
| Luckily, I'm writing this at work. She's still at work too, so they can't be doing these things right now. I think this journal would be a lot more frantic and mean if I were actually wondering those things. No, I have that to look forward to for tonight. | ||
| Oh, yeah. I said he could change the schedule. Why? Well, I didn't at first, and he sent off an email to her last night telling her that he couldn't see her. He said it was fine either way, but I know he really wanted me to switch. There was far too much tense time last night, when he was pressuring me for a decision (and earlier, when he told me, and before that, when I was wondering what the hell was on his mind)*-- But, well, he was so accomadating. So considerate of my feelings on the matter...well, you know, that's what I've always wanted. Consideration. Not being told that my feelings were wrong, invalid or even inconveinent. He was willing to wait to see her, and he did a reasonably good job of pretending it didn't matter if it took weeks for their schedules to coincide. He was, in brief, *trying*, boys and girls. He was putting effort and emotional control into our relationship. | *Believe it or not, we managed to have a mostly ok time last night. I guess you can tell because of my brief good mood in my journal last night. He was actually kinda sweet. Buttering me up? Who knows? | |
| So, my guilty conscience woke me up this morning. David's back was warm and smooth against my arm, and he was sleeping with his mouth slightly open, curls askew, snoring as lightly as a babe. It was so early the light was a muddy silver. I ached for him. I wanted to make him happy. I wanted to please him, make him smile. I wanted us to be together, in a really functional, romantic, cohesive way. I wanted us. | ||
| So, after much hemming and hawing (all the while he *still* didn't press me to go back on my decision), I told him, "Look. I know you want to see her. And I appreciate the way you've been so good about letting me decide whether or not to change the schedule. So, we can see each other tomorrow, and you two can hang out tonight". | ||
| I know. So valiant. | ||
| I'm not going to tell you about the silly things I asked next. It's my journal, dammit. But I will give some credit to Christa for having such a good chat on relationships with me this morning. Our talk really calmed me down, and helped me deal with my nervousness that would have plagued my day. She's hella cool. |