I've decided to keep an ongoing diary/journal online. This is for all my (wired) friends back in Indiana that I don't write enough, and for anyone who really wants to get to know me better. If you're not sure who I'm talking about here, you may find more info under Who's who.
As with the "selected" journal, I'm not putting up anything overly personal up here, so quit skimming for the juicy bits and check out my erotic poetry instead.
Happy May Day, everyone! I hope you all are garlanded appropriately for this, my favorite of the pagan holidays. Some things to do to celebrate:
So much going on that I don't have too much time right now to write it all down. I'm up at 8:25am, writing so I can clear my head and go back to sleep for awhile. There's a May Day party at the house today, and I don't want to be *too* late!
I'll be spiffing up my journal sometime soon, so that you can read the latest entry on a separate page, and have the rest neatly organized on other pages.
When I find time -- *sigh*.
Hullo, chickadees! I don't have much time today, as this weekend is one long social event. Tonight Mary Anne and I will be participating in the Society of Janus Erotic Reading from 6:30 to 9 PM at Fort Mason Center in San Francisco. Tickets are $7 at the door, I believe. Here's a little more info:
In case you aren''t familiar with Janus, we are a educational and support group for people who have an interest in safe, sane, and consentual BDSM. You can read more at http://www.soj.org. Janus was founded in 1974 and currently has almost 700 members.
I'm reading first (meep! as Mary Anne would say), and Mary Anne is reading second. The lineup is impressive, but unfortunately *now* I can't read my yahoo mail and am unable to list who else is reading. There should be more info on their webpage. Sorry for the short notice.
Must run, must run. I'm late!
I will try to keep the mantra, "I miss David" from consuming all the content of my journals this next week, but just so you all know, I do. He's out of reach in the Caribbean for the week, diving and having a great time. I will try to send only good, have-fun-in-the-sun thoughts his way. I will, I will.
Ok, so I reorganized a bit. I have the utmost confidence y'all can figure it out.
Well, last night I began to really understand what it means to have a journal online. Mary Anne and I read at the Janus Society's Erotic Reading III, which was very cool, btw. But when I met Al, the organizer of this event, he told me he was sorry to hear about my job. I was flattered and a bit taken aback to realize he's been reading my journals; flattered because, well, that's what they're here for, and taken aback because I suddenly realized that I have people reading them daily other than Mom (hi, mom!). Wow. It's a very cool and nerve-wracking feeling. Well, more cool than nerve-wracking, really. It's odd, though, because it subtly shifts my audience; I am now trying to take into consideration that people reading this might not know me very well . . .
I should have known this would happen; the day Mary Anne linked my journal to hers the bandwith on this page tripled! Thanks for reading, guys.
To go back to the Erotic reading: well, it was a relief to get up in front of people and *perform* again. It's been far too long, and I think it's something I need to do periodically for my mental health. To get that kind of feedback from a large group of people is such a rush; I've been doing this since I was a little girl, thanks to dance lessons. In Franklin I was involved in theatre and poetry slams in Indy, but out here I've been too busy with writing, working (heh) and developing a circle of friends to find an outlet for performance. I hope I get to do more readings out here. I need to find a weekly cafe to go to read poetry at least.
It was also neat to see Mary Anne read, as I'd only heard her read once, and that was while she was sitting next to me at Bardic circle. She's very friendly with her audience, and I noted how she didn't just pause for laughter (as I'd been taught to on the stage) but reacted to it, smiling knowingly at her audience and joining them in it when appropriate. I'm too much of an actress, holding for laughs without breaking character at all; next time I'll try Mary Anne's idea of thinking of the audience of a group of friends I'm sharing this with. Cool, eh? She's very cute when she reads, conveying all the emotions quite honestly until her audience is in a sort of frenzy of pent-up . . . er, well, we know these are erotic stories, yes? She leaves her audience in *quite* a state.
Working backwards through the weekend: Saturday was the May Day party at the house (with El yelling, "Let the workers of the world UNITE!). Very fun, the rain only spitted on the party a bit (I forgot and didn't have the energy to lead everyone in a cone of power to hold it off . . . 'sides, a large group of people in one place willing it not to rain sometimes works whether or not you're chanting) so we were outside for the first part of it. We did the Maypole, which was fun, even if we were lacking a really good May song (a personal preference). Still, we had drums and clapping. It probably itched my pagan bone rather than scratched it, but oh well.
Later on that night we watched 5th Element, which was ok. I didn't think Milla was really all that hot, as she's so skinny she doesn't even look female when she's naked. Oh well.
Friday, huh, well, Mary Anne and I ran errands all day long. I got to see Mills College, which is beautiful. Picked up my stuff from Remedy (Pacbell fired all of them and is going with a different temp agency - karma, man). Played a short game of truth or dare that night, which was interesting.
And on Thurday night we went to see Ursula K. LeGuin read. Very impressive lady. Her new book, Steering the Craft gives exercises and suggestions on ways of thinking about and working on what you write. As I haven't finished it yet, I won't *recommend* it, though you should probably all go pick up a copy and see for yourselves. Heh. When she was signing my book, I'm afraid I couldn't help blurting, "I just sold my first story", and she asked to whom, and Mary Anne piped up with "Me". Then we told her it was Masquerade books, and erotica publisher. Mary Anne asked LeGuin if she'd ever written erotica, and she said no, she found it hard to even read because it was so "action based". I know what she means, but I really don't think that's what mine is about. Maybe, sometimes I'll try for that, since people like it, but for the most part I like to focus on character and emotion and inner dialogue. Mary Anne and I told her we were trying to change the face of erotica (heh, we're not *ambitious*, over-confident or anything). LeGuin sounded doubtful and I tried not be crestfallen, as she's certainly never read my work and wouldn't know what she was talking about in this area. Still, she's such a role model that it's hard not to take her word as final.
Today? Oh, well, now that I'm done with journalizing I'm off to bring eggs and milk to milady Mary Anne, who's feeding me lunch in return (not a bad trade). Transcribing stuff, writing stuff, working on my resume . . .
How am I so busy? Lessee, today I got David's old computer working at my house, so I can write and check email there (with patience, it's a 1991 MacII si with no room on the hard drive and a cruddy, cruddy mouse). No browser there, either, so I still have to do web stuff over at David's. Oh well.
Which reminds me, this page may be moving soon. I'll keep you all updated and be sure to give plenty of notice, don't worry.
So, what else? Finally got my resume done. It looks better than that, I promise, I just don't have time to fuss with the html formatting right now. I'm rather excited about a couple of job possiblities, one at Homefinders and the other at Lonely Planet Travel Guides. Both seem to be very cool atmospheres in which to work; I'm hoping the office job at Lonely Planet might have upward mobility. I have to get it first, of course.
Now, I must run my dears, as I promised to transcribe for overworked Mary Anne and she's thinking I've ditched her right about now . . .
11:55pm - Transcribing is much more time consuming than one would think. I'm *still* not done! I left with the promise of finishing up tomorrow and am now hanging out with Todd, in his House of Towering Boxes. Goodnight y'all.
Go Mary Anne! Nice long journal from her, finally! Heh, I like to think I'm a good influence in *some* things.
Well, I had an on-the-spot interview today at Homefinders when I dropped off my resume. It sounds *very* promising, and I have an interview with the owners (sisters, how cool is that?) tomorrow. It's a small-but-busy business, and it sounds like it would be a lot of hard but very rewarding work. The interview was actually fun, as I got to talk about Doug and Noble Roman's and how cool that job was. I love privately owned businesses; there aren't enough of them these days. If I get this job (send good job-getting energy my way) I'll have a lot of room to move up in that place. It'd be nice to feel I'm actually contributing to something. It'd be nice to like my job again. The people there are so cool.
What else? I need to write a story or two, maybe I can do that tomorrow. Write Shel, who is unwired. She's been very good about writing cool letters to me, and I feel I should encourage this correspondance (besides, it's so cool to get letters rather than bills in the mail, n'est-ce pas?). She's moving to Portland next month (so close! Road trip!) and I wonder if she'll remain unwired on the West Coast.
Isn't that odd? I *do* think there's a higher percentage of online folk in California and the West Coast. Not surprising, what with Silicon Valley and all. But there's definitely a "California lifestyle". Hot Tubbing is a good example, but I think it all stems from (that Franklin College vision - heh) diversity. You can't have this much to do if you've only got one type of person living near you. Yeah, yeah, I over generalize, I admit. I'm just loving it out here. I wish I could transplant my friends and family from back home (I miss you, friend!); anyone have a spare transporter?
Mary Anne is making Spaghetti Squash pizza for dinner. Yum. I think I'll go pester her in her kitchen.
2:10am - What AM I doing up so late? Transcribing. Heh.
I just remembered what I had meant to put here earlier, which was about a nice woman in the Middle Eastern Grocery Store in Berkeley today who told me I had a sweet personality and it was refreshing after all the college students and their acts. Huh. I told her, hey, I'm from the Midwest, and folks are generally friendlier out there. I was also a waitress in a small town, where you're chatty with everybody. But, still, it's not uncommon for clerks to talk to you about your life when you're buying toothpaste at the drug store. People talk to other people, it makes their jobs more interesting. David and I have talked about this before, usually whenever he comments on how *friendly* it is out here. Now, David's from the East Coast, which is even less friendly than out here. He gets weirded out by the chattier clerks and such out here; I'd love to bring him to Franklin!! It'd be boss if someone actually said to him, "Yer not from around here, are ya, boy?". Ignore that. I have this tendancy to pretend the Midwest is more Southern than it actually is. Still, I've yet to have a clerk out here ask me how many kids I have (which happened more than once in Indiana). That always disturbed me. I have no kids, thank you.
I'm beginning to wonder if I'm rambling with any direction now. I should go to bed. Yup. Going to bed now.
'Night
PS to David, if you can somehow read this: Check the dolphin
Heather didn't get the message in time.
Very good interview today. Then I swam 1000 meters at the YMCA. Futszed around in some shops in Berkeley. Drove home too close to rush hour *again*. Called Ian. Met him and went to a swing dance class. More later.
Whoo-hoo! I got the job! I'm so excited, I just can't wait. It's such asmall, nice company. I'll actually *like* what I do, the people I workwith. I won't have to lie like I did at Pacbell and pretend I like thecompany, I really WILL! And it's in downtown Berkeley, which will be nicesince I miss that place. It's a great opportunity to learn more and moveup. Oh, happy day.
I'm glad I'll have good news for David when hecomes back. I'm afraid the last time he talked to me I was a bitweepy.
So, last night I took a beginning and an intermediate EastCoast/Lindy Hop class with Ian. No, Ian wasn't teaching it, he's beentaking them for awhile and took me along this week. The beginning classwas way too easy, so I stuck around for the intermediate. They startedwith the ShimSham, which I had done years ago in tap class. Then thepartner stuff, for which you're supposed to have a month of beginnerclasses to be able to do. There was the initial panic as I franticallywatched the other women to figure out what to do, but then I was fine. Ipick up dance steps *very* quickly, even partner stuff, which is slightlydifferent than the solo stuff I was trained on as a child. Fun, fun, funall around. I've always faked swing dancing, so it's nice to actuallyknow what I'm doing now.
I don't know if it's appropriate, but Ifeel like mentioning that Ian got a raise today. Good boy. He works veryhard; he deserves it.
Tonight I'm going to see "Good Will Hunting"with Mary Anne. Todd saw it last night and said it was very good, andhe's a constant cynic. Lessee, this weekend, go to Mary Anne's Thesisreading tomorrow, then to a special movie, "Salute to Masturbation" at theParkway (in honor of National Masturbation Month, you know how tocelebrate). Clean up David's house and cook for him on Sunday. Hang outwith Todd/shop for furniture on Sunday. I work on Monday (whoo-hoo!) andthen I pick up my baby Monday night and smother him with kisses.
Theother night Todd called me (and some of my friends) "sex geeks". Like acomputer geek, I guess, but a whole lot more fun! No, seriously, I *am*into promoting/talking about safe, happy, creative sex. Aftertranscribing the Carol Queen interview for Mary Anne, I find myselfthinking I'd like to actually become a "sex activist" of sorts. Or atleast be somebody that is willing to discuss such things publically. No,Mom, I'm not going to change everybody's minds, but if there's moreintelligent people willing to talk about it, maybe it will become less andless a thing to keep in the closet. Less dirty. I look at stores likeGood Vibrations and catalogs like Blowfish, and I am relieved to be livingin an area where an interest in sex isn't looked upon as some depravedfetish. It's natural, for christ's sake! It's how we all gothere!
Ok, enough ranting. I'm off into my happy weekend
Last night we had an interesting evening down at Lydia's house. She had a BBQ (read: bonfire), since you have to have food present in order for a fire not to be illegal. It was kinda crazy, we burned large doors and railings and other large pieces of wood. Ian, Mary Anne, and I all got to dance over the fire on large pieces of wood (before they burnt, of course). It makes me vow to make it to Burning Man this year. The other party highlight I'll share was when a fireman walked through her house into the backyard and was calmly investigating the fire while the party all but ignored him. Yes, then we had 15 minutes to put it out. They were really rather cool about it.
Today was Mary Anne's thesis reading, which went rather well, I thought. The half I saw only had two fiction writers, and I realized how much more I like to listen to fiction than poetry. El got Kaylie (Lydia's daughter) to throw olive pits at grad students during lunch, much to the horror of Lydia and Mary Anne. I laughed really hard, watching Kaylie and El scurry off into the woods as Lydia charged after them, shouting, "You'd *better* run!". No, there were no hurt feelings or grad students.
Tonight, we're off to the "Salute to Masturbation" film/party at the Parkway, hosted by Carol Queen.
Sunday I was annoyed most of the day at Todd, who was not home even thoughwe had agreed to hang out and buy used furniture together (it was the lastday I'd have David's car, Lily - my name for her. We're very close now.).He'd read my journal on Saturday, and assumed that I had made plans (Idon't think it says that) and was laming out on him. Goober. He came overand helped me cook some. We had pizza and talked about chicks.Fun.
Oh, Saturday's salute to Masturbation was great. It had some clips fromseminars where women teach other women to get off. So cool. You know thatthese people aren't being paid to fake it, as in pornos. There were allsorts of categories, including "self-sex with cars" that had a scene with ayoung lady and her club. There's a story there, I think. Too bad "Sex ToyTales" is already out, huh? Afterwards, Mary Anne introduced me to CarolQueen (she's so rad). Fun, to be part of such an event. It's certainlynot something you'd see in Indiana!
So, since I haven't includedFriday's entry yet (hey, MA, mail it to me, will ya?), y'all don't know thenews: I got a job!!! Yup. At Homefinders, in Berkeley. It's so nice towork for a small, Berkeley company, I can't even tell you. Fab-o. Thepeople are *way* cool, and when I stayed after this evening to learncash-out, I had more fun w/my coworkers than I've had since I've been inCA. We had a longish group convo about erotica v. porn ("If a man likesit, it's porn; women, erotica" and "Porn minus dick = erotica" for movies and "black & white = erotica, color = porn" for art/photography).Fun enough. The job? Well, it's too damn easy. Everyone keeps remarking"You're so quick, so smart!" Well, thanks. I'm hoping to convince them byFriday to give me at least *some* new, more difficult duties.
Ihave to wait until I go back to David's to read Mary Anne's journal. Ialso have to wait until I go over there to post this to my page. *sigh* Ineed to move this page anyway. Perhaps until I get this all straightenedout I should email these to David and have him update them for me.
So, tonight I write and clean my room. I just bought the new ToriAmos. S'ok, if a bit too industrial (oh, Tori!) for my tastes. Goodbackground on a lonely night.
Was getting spoiled there, what with acar and a nice computer and such. Oh, well. Work hard, save money. Atleast my love is back. :-)
Well, with my new job, today is my "Saturday". Last night, after a free Lorrena McKennit concert fell through (boo hiss), I wandered through the small town of Berkeley (which I finally see, now that I'm living in Oakland) to LanMinds, where Todd works, to join them in a company party to watch the last Seinfield. Did y'all see it? My main remark is that they're not ending the series; they've got it perfectly set up to have a "prison release" show next year! Oh, well, everything's a gimmick these days. TV strikes me hard these days, as I haven't had one where I'm living for almost a year.
Drank beer, hung out with Todd, missed the last BART, went to drink some more (Kettle One Vodka Collins - yummy, like lemonade with a fancy kick) at the dubiuos, frat-rat infested Shattuck hotel, then came back with Todd and crashed. I'm using his PC now (Aaaahhhhh, I still understand them *much* better than their Mac relations). We're going off for breakfast.
Following this is *last* weeks Friday journal entry, unpublished until now!!! There's a rant about sex in there I'd like to suss out into an article someday. Someday, when I know enough to write it with confidence.
Finally, finally, at work today Dana, my boss, sat me down and started describing some of the stuff she needs done around the office. Database stuff, that she's totally willing to let me learn. Alot of analysis of data that we're privy to, and a possible job writing it up and getting paid for articles from this expert perspective. Possibly very cool.
I had a nice surprise this weekend, as I found out Rob, an old friend from college, is moving out here in 2 months to go to grad school!! Another Frankliner! Becky, Ricky, Todd, Rob and I had a great time hanging out on Haight Street on Memorial Day. It's weird, to have that many college chums (and my school had 900 students) in one place. And very nice. I need to hang out with Becky and Ricky more often, and Rob's visit reminded me of that. I *need* a separate group of friends out here; it's nice that these are people I've known for years and years. Comfy.
It's up above, but my new email address is gryffyn@there.net So write me there, ok?
What else? Things are nice and cozy with David right now, which is good. I'm learning how much work relationships take to succeed, and it's nice to have some downtime when things are clicking for a bit.Ok, here's a poem I wrote last week.
Dark fell like a black sieve
hill lights shining thru
on their curve
The train rolls in like
thunder
like a promise of something
somewhere new
In the last car, alone, I
think about kissing you
here
You'd do it, too
I could get off at this
stop
and go home
But I rush on
If you were here
I could
kneel between
these sour seats
kiss your thighs and hear
you gasp
But rap music
and my neighborhood
streams in
Doors close and the rap
harmonizes w/ the BART
hum.
But at least my dark hills
come back
streetlights twinkling in
hill-ordered rows
I travel on to you
to him
to your Russian Alex who
turns out to be the
British one
I'm a white girl w/a journal
in the homeboy's car,
and I don't dare
stare
long enough to take my notes. The
black man
w/ the blond hair
chants in a counter-
cadence to the boom
box
then the tracks
rattle loud
Rush, rush, I rush on
to you
to him
I'm slightly afraid
-3 beers to the wind,
thinking of your mellow
evening . . . I'll arrive
in time to say goodnite
and take our boyfriend
home w/ me.
How you drink your tea
while I ignore the lone
black man
who sits on my end
of the car.
Kailey reads to you in her
8-year-old voice.
and David is social
and Ian is sick
and I rush on towards
you, using up pages
in my journal . . . words
taking shape like ghetto rhymes
as I scrawl in the
correct cadence.
The lone man ignores
me as he moves closer
to the music.
And I scribble, only a
stop away
hoping David will
be waiting for me
Another 2 people enter the
car, hispanic and white and
the space becomes public
and I'd be relieved
if I weren't the only
girl.
Rape fantasies
are bogus. "Every man
you don't know personally
is a potential rapist"
or at least a potential pervert.
The music seems friendlier
than the stares
and I'm reassured and want
to move to their end of the car.
Fruitvale finally.
See you soon.
May 19, 1998
Heather Shaw
Ok, here's another one. These are all really rough, you know:
He said the sky is an
incredible color
To me, it was
Bombay Sapphire Gin
though I was a vegetarian
drinking Beefeater's.
Muted indigo is boring
compared to his own:
"Maxfield Parish Blue"
Major points, dude, and we
told him as much, as we
folded ourselves into his
Midnight Green VW bug
I was slouched down
avoiding the sign that
crammed her behind him.
We shouted over the din
of the car until we hit
the bridge, craning
around to see the view
of the City we were leaving
The Bay bridge should be
rebuilt like the San Mataeo
so you don't miss
Bay colors like
underwater hues of
blue
The City
glimmering
like paper lanterns
above the surface.
May 17, 1998
Heather Shaw
Ok, enough of my lame of attempts at poetry. G'night.
Last night Ian came over and had dinner. Well, he *brought* over tomato
sauce, and doctored it up with onions, garlic and some basil and oregano
out of my little garden. Have I mentioned my garden? Oh! I haven't, and
it's something that gives me such joy . . .
Nothing fancy, in fact. I have:
Ok, to change topics:
Last night there was a party for Kaylie at the House. She's leaving to spend the summer (year?!) with her Dad today. We ate cake and ice cream. Kaylie requested I review the ballet positions with her, then she and I dance around the living room. Mary Anne and El started singing "Sunrise, Sunset", which made me feel weird (happy, sad, poetic and theatrical), but I still had to exclaim, as I watched Kaylie pick up rather tricky turns after seeing me do them once, "I *hope* I have girls!". It reminded me of when Holly and I used our living room as a Dance Studio. Kaylie even wanted to make sure she had the footing right (*and* the arms). I wish Kaylie (and her sister, Kira) were around all the time so I could give them weekly dance lessons. It'd be great practice/exercise/fun for me.
David played a reluctant horsey for Kaylie (he said that he felt that it was the *adults* wanting him to perform, not Kaylie. Uh-huh. He looked a lot like Eeyore, the Pooh donkey, slumped and slow, carrying her with resignation. Alarming posture to have with an 8-year-old on your back! Then Ian took her on, playing bucking bronco and daring her to hold on. Ian is great fun to play/roughhouse with. He's tall, strong, and has a lot of energy. He gave El a piggy back ride that was even more vigorous than Kaylie's (and El managed to cling on).
We played tag, freeze tag and Statues (where everybody tries to make one other person laugh, and if you're the one to succeed, you get to be entertained next). With El, we had to first try and make her *not* smile/laugh. It was pretty funny, as the more serious she tried to be, the easier she seemed to break out in a gigantic grin or laughter. Fun to watch, as her smile was so nice we couldn't help but laugh with her even as we tried to make her serious.
Mary Anne and I sang Kaylie to sleep (man, oh man! is Puff the Magic Dragon a much sadder song than I remember it being!).
After much reflection, I deem this a really fun evening. I have a great group of friends out here, that's for sure. I kept imagining what it must have been like for Kaylie, to have 6 adults completely willing to play like little kids with you. Well, David wouldn't play, but he's still good with Kaylie.