Saturday, January 08, 2005

Breaking up is hard to do

But there are times when it must be done.

Let's bound the problem here. I'm not talking about Divorce, I'm talking about ending a romantic entanglement. Dumpin' Yo Date.

The hardest parts of doing it well are steeling yourself for YOUR pain - it hurts to lose something that, at least once upon a time, Seemed Like A Good Idea; and figuring out how to say It's Over without making your (soon-to-be-former) partner the problem.

This MUST be done in person. You owe it to them, and you owe it to your own Karma. No intermediaries, no e-mail, no instant messaging. You did the nasty with them, you used condoms. You loved them once, now you don't, so show some responsibility and own up to the truth in person.

"I can't continue on in this relationship".

Notice the "I" statement. Notice the lack of equivocation. DON'T equivocate. If you need to, get up and physically leave at this point, in fact, chose your place and time so that this is a real option. If you leave an opening, some sort of loophole, 9 out of 10 lovers will try and take it, and that's bad. The time for trying to FIX this relationship was presumably over for you a long time ago, and hopefully to tried to. It's over, so let it be OVER.

Avoid explaining, or you'll be sorry.

Then tell them "don't call, don't communicate with me for 6 months", and let them know that goes for double from your side. Don't call them, don't read their blog, don't e-mail them, have your ISP block their IP address, or set up an E-mail rule that DELETES their e-mail before you have any chance of reading it.

Mourn. Figure out if you want to be in a relationship at all at this time. Act accordingly. Stick to the 6 month moratorium. When it's over (and it's barely long enough if you've been in deep and long with one another), figure out if there is still any comon ground, if you can enjoy together the things that hooked you up in the first place.

These are the basics. Situations (kids, living in the same house, working in the same place) are different, but I think the rules:
* In person
* No blame
* No equivocation
* 6 month quarantine
apply in all cases. It's a learned behavior. Therefore, if you have to, you can learn it.

I wish I didn't have to.

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At 3:05 PM , Blogger dharmasatori said...

It seems that the things that seem the easiest to do are actually the hardest. Follow your heart and all will be well. Thanks


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